peeks into my life dealing with everyday life and obstacles as well as obstacles of dealing with disabilities and accessibility obstacles, Chronic Pain due to broken spinal rods, living on pain medications, dealing with anxiety/depression, experiencing the newness of love, and fighting for my right to live and love my life in an ableist society.
In High School, I learned that for me to get stuff accomplished, I Need To Do Lists, color-coded or numbered by priority: Otherwise everything is absolute chaos. Yesterday I made a to-do list and got most of it completed: I called the genetics doctor to do the genetics testing and find out more about my Ehlers Danlos Syndrome: what type I have, what symptoms of that type, etc. I had been waiting to hear back from them. I went to my GP (general physician) in August 2020 to get a referral, they finally sent the referral in Oct or November, and I had still not heard back from the genetics dr office to get an appointment set up. I called and the referral was never uploaded into the computer so I had to call my GP to ask them to refax the referral, but instead of having to wait for that, they went ahead and got all my file info and set an appointment to get me in the books; won’t be until August (unless someone cancels or reschedules, I am on a waitlist.) In other news, I am down to 3 pain pills left and my pain management doctor appointment isn’t until the 29th of this month! I called to find out if there was any possible way to either give me another half refill to tide me over until the appointment or to move my appointment up: I was shot down for both! I have 60 ct of tramadol per script- however, since I was completely out of my 60 at my last appointment- they had mentioned that they were going to up my count to 120 pills per bottle-but forgot to do that, I see the doctor every 2 months, and my dosage on my bottle says “take 1-2 every 4-6 hours as needed. Max dosage 8 daily;” On a BAD pain day, I take 6; On a good day, I only take 1. On a great (Miraculous rare day) I take 0. I was completely out on my last appointment on 1/28 (so they were filled that afternoon,) that 60 pills lasted me 20 days till 2/17. 2/17 lasted me until 3/11 with 3 left that I will now have to hide in a spot for absolute emergencies until my appointment on 3/29. The next 17 days will be a test of patience, nerves, and will power, I will have to hope and pray that Tylenol and my spasm medications (Baclofen) and (Gabapentin) will be enough, However: If I lose patience and become “Short with anyone,” I am apologizing now ahead of time. Please bear with me and realize I do not mean it, I am in pain and therefore my nerves are already on edge. prayers appreciated.
I do not know what happened today, but early this evening, I fell. I am assuming I tripped over a thing of bottle waters, but I am not exactly sure what happened; it all happened so fast! I know that all day I been feeling pretty tired, weak, dizzy, lightheaded; kind of day-dreamy. Research shows that it could be a Ehlers Danlos thing: POTS or Dissociate, Brain Fog, or dysautonomia, or it could just be the fact its “that time of month.” Who knows, its a mystery. I am not even sure what way I landed or anything. I think I fell on my side, but I cant remember for sure.
I do not hurt right now, but I will probably feel it tomorrow. I just hope I haven’t done anymore damage to my rods than they already are. If the pain shows up and lasts, I will do x-rays and send them off to Dr. Kelly in St Louis.
For now, I just got a lecture from Mom about being more careful and to “use my walker,” and “let go of my pride,” blah blah blah. It isn’t a pride thing Mom. it’s just hard to remember to use that thing when most of the time I do not need to use it. I do not mind my cane, walker, or wheelchair, but most of the time I am fine, so I do not think to use them when I feel weak. I will have to figure out a way to remind myself I guess. I just wish I knew why I was having these falling spells?? This is my second one, first one was back in August. Is it because of “that time of month,” or something more serious? Is it because I am not being cautious enough? Its a mystery..One I will have to figure out before I end up living in a plastic bubble because I am such a klutz. Ugh!
I got a email from the Mychart app from my Infections dr; Dr. Mejia. He got my bloodwork results in from Quest diagnostics in Lafayette, LA. Good news, I am negative for infection (meaning, no more infection in my body) according to the bloodwork.
Bad news, he still insists on the plan of antibiotics being a life-long thing; due to the “complexity of the infection,” whatever the heck that means.
To say, I am disappointed and upset is an understatement. This makes 2 years that my labs show I am infection free. I had hopes that I could eventually get off the antibiotics. I am not even 30 years old yet, and the idea of life-long antibiotics; God willing I live to a ripe old age, that would be 60+ years of antibiotics!
yes, it times like these it is hard to see the light and positivity of my life, but I cannot loose my faith and Hope in God my lord and savior. He is good and all powerful, he is all knowing and can perform wonderous miracles. He is the only one who knows how my story will go. Be gone, Satan, quit tormenting me with emotional meltdowns and sorrow. I will try to look to God and find peace in his love and warm embrace.
On September 22, 2020, I had my appointment with Dr. M Kelly at CAM Center in St Louis, Missouri. He didn’t seem too worried about the broken rod at this time. the rod is broke but it’s still got some support from other rods and such, we not doing anything at this time (if rod gets worse or something, then we’ll see our options. Not really wanting to go back in at this time because the wound I had previously s finally behaved and “quiet.” So he’s like “let the sleeping dog lie,” to which I translated “don’t poke the bear” and he agreed.The “rod pain.” Is not rod bc the broken rod is on other side of my back, but it’s probably “muscles” or nerve pain instead. Which thinking back after my surgery in 2012 I did have similar pain but this round feels worse than last time. Idk. Maybe my fall made it worse..idk. anyway that’s the update.
other than that it was a great visit. I spent over a week (September 20- September 29) at a friend’s house; her family tried to convince us to move out there. LOL.
In other news, even though the infection has cleared up in my back, they still want me on infection meds. Also in other news, the rib pain that used to plague me before I had that wound issue start (after 2012 until the wound started,) is back. UGH. wish that would’ve stayed away.
Still no word from the geneticist about an appointment for my EDS- UGH!
As we are aware, I had re-broke my spinal fusion rods and was dreading facing my parents about it. This weekend, my parents came in off the truck. As soon as they saw me, Dad asked “what happened to your forehead” because that was the first thing he noticed. “Well, you see, there was a incident in the backyard on the steps. I fell…and re-broke my rods.” They didn’t look happy, but didn’t say anything, later they mellowed out and we joked about it. Then I gave them some candy bars I had bought at the store on Thursday after the incident, before they came in, with the joke to David, “I’ll get their favorite candy bars so when I deliver the bad news about my rods, it will be less of a blow…Like…’look, I got yall favorite candy, oh by the way, my rods are re-broke. Oh just eat your candy bars before you reply.” hahaha. To which I recounted that story to them and they laughed. I am so lucky to have understanding and supportive parents with good senses of humor. 🙂 #Blessed.
I also sent the Xrays to Dr. Kelly on friday through “snail mail” with post office saying it should be delivered/recieved on monday. So I will call monday to tell his office and hopefully by tuesday or wed, I will have some news on what Dr. Kelly had to say. I also hope I hear from the genetics doctor soon as well.
As we know, my rods are broken once again, but until Dr. Kelly receives my Xrays from OGH and I hear back from him and go to my appointment in Septemeber, we do not know what will happen. Will I have another surgery? More than likely- I mean my rods can’t stay broken. What does that mean? Well, more than likely it means another surgery, recovery all over again, push back college again, postpone the wedding again, having to raise money or apply for hardship case again since St Louis Barnes Jewish doesn’t take out of state Medicaid, and the talks of David and I starting a Food truck business will also be put on the backburner.
I am tired of the rods breaking; this is the 2nd time! Maybe I should just put myself in a plastic bubble or “ground myself” permanently into a wheelchair and say “Fuck walking” – maybe I won’t injure myself, since I can’t seem to not be a klutz. I don’t know what the answer is.
I am just dreading it. Dreading facing my parents about it, dreading facing doctor kelly about it, I know accidents happen, but I feel like I am a disappointment and let everyone down even though I did everything right this time: I didn’t get on inflatables again (I learned my lesson from last time), I was cautious when picking up on my niece or stuff, I was cautious and didn’t bend- instead I squatted or got on my hands and knees,) and yet, I still broke my rods. I wonder if my Ehlers Danlos has something to do with it? Hmm. Guess that’s a question for when I do see that EDS genetics doctor.
So earlier today, I had my appointment with my GP who agreed to refer me to an EDS geneticist that I had found in New Orleans- Great news, right? Right.
later that evening, I was outside helping my fiance’ do some yard work around the backyard and he asked me to go get him some bottled water; should be a simple task, right? Wrong. It ended in me having to go to the ER.
I went into the house, got the bottle waters(1 for him, 1 for me), and started back out the backdoor: Now our backyard door has a drop about 1-2 ft and then the first step. I don’t know if I missed the step or if my ankles/legs decided to give out; it all happened so fast- All I know is next thing I know, I am losing my balance and falling forward and landing face-first onto the concrete sidewalk.
Landing forward, should spare my rods right? Hmm. well, I’ll get to that…
When I fell, I hit my legs and knees and felt like I couldn’t stand right away, I busted my head on the concrete and had a big gash and later a knot, scraped up my right wrist, and had landed on my left ring finger that had started to already swell.
I waited for a little while to see if the headache would subside and I’d feel better. No luck. So we went to the ER. They did a CT Scan (to look at my head to make sure no damage) and a Xray(to look at my rods and back).
The Drs said the finger wasn’t broken; it was a busted blood vessel and ice and rest should bring down the swelling. The CT revealed no signs of any damage or concussions. However, the Xrays were not as lucky: My rods that I just had fixed almost a year ago, from being broken previously, were broke once again! Now the rods could’ve been broken before this incident- After all, I was still taking pain medication on and off as needed and I had an experience months ago while still in the apartment where i had stood up and it felt like a popping shockwave down my back. The timing just really sucks, so now I have to call Dr. Kelly and tell him the bad news about my rods. I feel like I let everyone down again, but I did everything I was supposed to- I wasn’t straining, I wasn’t bending, I was being cautious,, I didn’t get on inflatables this time and I still end up with broken rods. I wonder if my EDS could be a contributing factor to the rods continually breaking? I suggested it to one of my fellow Scoliosis friends who is in a scoliosis group and said there was a girl who kept breaking her rods and getting infections and was later diagnosed as EDS and ended up having her rods removed, so it could be a contributing factor. Hmmm….I don’t know. Seems like I try to do everything right and then something still f** it up and I am back to being a disappointment. UGh. I hate these voices in my head and feeling like I am mentally unstable. Will things ever get easier?
like for real why do medications cause side effects? Like pain meds help with pain but in the same token, you might end up adding in depression, anxiety, mood swings, agitation,etc. (to which I already have some.)
so it’s like okay..do I wanna deal with pain and possibly just cry to the point of wanting suicide…or do I take the pain medication and stop the pain, but end up depressed or miserable and still wanting suicide for a different reason other than pain- because of emotional impulses and acting like a toddler throwing a tantrum? hmmm.
oh and then lets not forget when I am on pain meds but not sleeping, I tend to “go down the rabbit hole” and spiral emotionally- like right now, I am convinced I have Borderline Personality Disorder.
guess the saying is true, “Idle time is the devil’s playground.”