New YouTube video on my channel basically just rambling about life in general; childhood memories, dolls, my future, surgery, decorating for fall/Halloween, etc.
My Mom used to say, that as a child, I had “a smile that was infectious and could brighten others days,” and I was an inspiration with how I handled my disability with a smile. However, over the years, between trying my best to fit in with society’s ideals/standards, trying to live up to what I was taught by my parents or CCD Religion classes, relationships with people I thought of as friends who turned out to be toxic (only to discover my true friends), relationships romantically, stress from struggles as a college student, and the struggles of living on and off with pain or other medical problems, I seem to have lost a sense of myself.
It’s like a constant battle between my heart, my brain, and the outside forces of voices from people around me. I am 28 and enjoy childish things like dolls, stuffed animals, playing games at the local fairs, I enjoy cartoons and childish movies, tea parties, parties, I get separation anxiety and sad when my friends have to leave; it is like I am still a child trapped in the biological fact that I am 28 and some people point it out and judge me and tell me, “You are 28, act your age.” But my question is, “Is it they are just jealous that I am trying to find joy in the things I have always enjoyed?” I am just trying to block out the darkness and cruelty of the world going on around me. It may make me ignorant, but I refuse to watch the news because it’s depressing and angers me, I rather “stick my head in the sand,” and tune it out, and leave it to God. When the world is so sad and depressing, who wouldn’t want to go back to the simpler times of innocence of childhood?
Don’t get me wrong, I still know some things I enjoy: Spending time with friends/family, parties, dancing, theater, crafts, creative writing, etc.; however, lately, I been really tired a lot and seem to stay in front of screen watching movies/tv or YouTube videos. It’s like I have no motivation or anything right now. I have wanted to do more blogging, more YouTube, more artistic and creative, but I just can’t get myself to actually do it, or how to put words out there.
Hopefully, I can rediscover myself again.
Last night, I was on my pain meds and as usual the drugs made me a sappy, hormonal, emotional wreck; especially when all they do is make me tired and don’t actually help my pain, and as tired as I am, I cannot get comfy enough to actually go to sleep- which causes me to become irritable, frustrated, and emotional. Warning: Below, is how I feel on those kinds of days. You’ve been warned.
Don’t get me wrong, I do absolutely love my fiance’ and most of the time I cannot absolutely at all fathom my life without him, but on my really bad pain days when I am cooped up in the house on pain meds and can’t stand my own life, I relate to Zendaya’s lyrics of the song.
He is so positive and confident about us, and I am like that girl (because of my age difference and looking like a kid, and my disability- the “mountains,” and “doors can’t walk through”) and what the world thinks. and just waiting for him to realize that it is hopeless and impossible for us to truly be happy together. I am always thinking “he didn’t sign on for all these issues: Me hurting all the time, me lashing out at him because I am hurting and frustrated; because I’m irritable.. How can I expect him to love me when I don’t even love myself?”
Maybe he’ll teach me a thing or two, or maybe if I have such idle time, pay attention to the negativity.
It’s a lot of self-esteem issues and idle time, pain meds causing depression, being bullied from a very young age (5 years old)- it’s hard to escape the “voices” of my past, but I am working hard on it because I do love him and I know he loves me.
At a fork,
unsure which way to go,
which path to take,
where is my place?
The Mark that I will make,
to leave my name on this planet Earth,
What road do I travel?
Where will Life’s journey send me?
stuck at the fork,
indecisions and unsure feelings,
obstacles and road blocks,
refusing my passage,
another mountain to climb,
another challenge to conquer,
How do i choose?
How do I Find my place?
My place, my mark on the world,
the legacy I will leave behind,
How do I find it,
in such a huge huge world, filled with endless choices,
but physical limitations, that and fear,
preventing me,blocking me,
not trusting and believing in myself,
blame lack of self-esteem and lack of confidence,
but I’m just a small girl,in a huge huge world.
One day, I’ll grow,
let go of the fear and obstacles holding me back,
I’ll figure it out,
one day at a time,
learning and growing each day,
blossoming, and blooming into a young lady,
I’ll find my way one day,
and have my found my place in the world.
All my life, I would like to say,
I was a “normal” child
Could run and do all the activities like the others,
But that would be a lie.
Sure, I went to P.E., with my fellow peers,
But that was only two days a week.
Rest of the time, I was segregated,
To a “special” Adapted P.E.
Don’t get me wrong, I loved the adapted P.E.,
But when you already know you are different than your friends,
You don’t want,
Another sign or “special treatment”,
That proves it.
You long to be “normal,” but no;
Sit on the sidelines, walk the track…
While the other kids run and tackle,
Coaches and teaches,
Fearing you bruising and the possibility of parents suing.
“Can’t do this, Can’t do that, oh be careful! Don’t hurt yourself!”
Why are these warnings only given to me?
Why not Jared, Josh, or Malorie?
Even now, as an adult,
I still let people,
Who I trust, and think know better than I,
Make decisions for my life.
I lie, and say it’s just for advice,
Because if they knew the truth,
They’d just say something along the lines,
“Stay true to you.”
How can I do that?
When All my life,
I have had others,
Telling me what to do,
Never letting me,
Test the waters or learn from mistakes,
Okay, there were mistakes I could still learn,
But really, how can it be, me An Adult?
When I have no strong standing,
Or sense of self.
but, in all honesty,
Who is Jamie?
Look into my eyes,
can you see my soul?
the dream I hold inside;
Longing to be accepted,
for everything I am,
All I Believe and hold dear,
and no longer have this burder,
the side of me that I hide,
Longing for release and freedom,
and my dreams to take flight.
The girl longing to break free,
feelings of not good enough,
inadequacy, and self-consciousness,
scared and shy,
to take the stage,
and follow her heart.
Dreams of being able,
to sing from her heart and soul,
and to dance with the passion that burns inside,
To feel beautiful,
to see her beauty,
and all that she is,
except in her own eyes,
To stand there, in the mirror,
and finally, see her personality,
the raw beauty inside,
so the latest on my back: I saw dr. Kelly today. He is very optimistic. His plan is if my rods aren’t infected (we did labs), he says he will just open the incision scar where my rods are broken at, clean up my wound, and add in some “dominoes” and add in some extender rods.” It will be “Simple and sweet,” as he put it.
:p The date is the same, August 14, but I need to be here by the 12th because I need to go to get my central line valve put in on the 13th. If he does what he wants, “simple and sweet,” he doesn’t think I will have as many complications like I did last time bc last time I had broken ribs and pneumonia from that which led to trach, blah blah blah…the framework already there, this is just some maintenance repair! LMAO.
But whatever God’s will, will be done.
Share my go fund me please!!! https://www.gofundme.com/jamie-has-broken-rods-and-other-problems-occurring