Lost… Who is Jamie Elizabeth?

My Mom used to say, that as a child, I had “a smile that was infectious and could brighten others days,” and I was an inspiration with how I handled my disability with a smile. However, over the years, between trying my best to fit in with society’s ideals/standards, trying to live up to what I was taught by my parents or CCD Religion classes, relationships with people I thought of as friends who turned out to be toxic (only to discover my true friends), relationships romantically, stress from struggles as a college student, and the struggles of living on and off with pain or other medical problems, I seem to have lost a sense of myself.

It’s like a constant battle between my heart, my brain, and the outside forces of voices from people around me. I am 28 and enjoy childish things like dolls, stuffed animals, playing games at the local fairs, I enjoy cartoons and childish movies, tea parties, parties, I get separation anxiety and sad when my friends have to leave; it is like I am still a child trapped in the biological fact that I am 28 and some people point it out and judge me and tell me, “You are 28, act your age.” But my question is, “Is it they are just jealous that I am trying to find joy in the things I have always enjoyed?” I am just trying to block out the darkness and cruelty of the world going on around me. It may make me ignorant, but I refuse to watch the news because it’s depressing and angers me, I rather “stick my head in the sand,” and tune it out, and leave it to God. When the world is so sad and depressing, who wouldn’t want to go back to the simpler times of innocence of childhood?

Don’t get me wrong, I still know some things I enjoy: Spending time with friends/family, parties, dancing, theater, crafts, creative writing, etc.; however, lately, I been really tired a lot and seem to stay in front of screen watching movies/tv or YouTube videos. It’s like I have no motivation or anything right now. I have wanted to do more blogging, more YouTube, more artistic and creative, but I just can’t get myself to actually do it, or how to put words out there.

Hopefully, I can rediscover myself again.

Living in the past…just me?

I can’t be the only person that tends to dwell on the past, can I? okay, maybe not the only disabled person, but maybe I am? I don’t know. I just know, I tend to stay in the past and try to recapture those memories and try to implement them now in the current present; however, it doesn’t always work out.

Childhood was so much simpler; No responsibilities, friendships were easier to make and maintain, I wasn’t in as much pain, my anxiety/OCD/depression wasn’t bad until middle school/High School, I didn’t try to fit in as much, I had a pretty good idea of who Jamie Elizabeth Cormier really was, and of course People I cared about weren’t dying left and right. I had a wonderful childhood and lots of wonderful memories despite having my disabilities; sure, there was the occasional person that mistook me for a “monster” or would just stare/point (the bullying really didn’t start until 4th grade). However, like all children, I took it for granted and couldn’t “wait to grow up so that I could do what I wanted.” Boy, who sold me that fairy tale and can I sue them?

Sure, as an adult, I can do some things I want like staying up all night, going out when I want(as long as I am not in college, not working, don’t have previous plans, have the money to do it, and of course, not hurting.) I can drive (again, as long as I am not hurting and I do have the gas money.) I can drink legally(not a big drinker), buy cigarettes (but I don’t smoke), buy a lotto ticket/scratch-off ticket or go to the casino (if I can afford such luxuries at the time.) But, in the same token as an adult, I also have bills (my choice for moving out with my fiance’), I have to make some tough decisions, I have college courses (my choice) or have to work. I have to handle my own medical stuff (paperwork, phone calls, etc). its a lot of responsibilities that causes my anxiety to go into overload and I end up having emotional meltdowns at least once a week.

However, there is always a silver lining: if I stayed in the past, I wouldn’t have learned important life lessons (through mistakes, my experiences with bullying, fights with friends, failing classes,etc.) I wouldn’t have my friends that I made as I got older (junior high, High School, College, my medical “journey” (st Louis, Missouri.) I wouldn’t have my fiance’ and wouldn’t be planning for a wedding. I wouldn’t have my associates degree in general studies and pursuing my bachelors and then further on to try to better advocate for myself and others with disabilities and special needs- teaching young adults with them to better live independently to the best of their abilities through life skills, modifications, adaptations, job skills, and helping them find jobs they are passionate about instead of just the jobs like Goodwill or Arc. That is my dream and with the right amount of willpower and determination, support from family/friends/and community, any dream can become a reality.