A wrecking ball of bad news; my heart broken and demolished into a zillion pieces.

Today, while in the waiting office of my pain management dr, I was scrolling through facebook, when I suddenly saw something that ruined my entire rest of my day; A friend of mine in St Louis, Missouri, Mr. Mike James, passed away overnight.

I met Mr. Mike James in 2012 while I was in halo traction at Shriners Hospital for Children-St Louis; he worked at Cabela’s and the company would come to the hospital once a month for “Cabela’s night” where their volunteers would bring educational things about Native Americans, animal trapping, hunting stuff (no weapons) just pictures or like duck calls. It was a highlight of the month for all of the patients to enjoy.

I was one of the oldest patients there, so the adults would often talk to me about “Where I was from,” “what I liked to do,” “If I had ever been to a Cabelas,” stuff like that, and a few of them got close with me because of my “spunky attitude,” these included Mr. Mike James, his wife Nancy, and our mutual friend Beverly Duval. They were there through it all- my surgery, my recovery until I went home, when I went back for checkups, when Beverly hosted me for a week for spring break, my first boyfriend, and they had just met my fiance’ and he approved of him, even liked him, and planned on attending the wedding next year. Now he’ll just attend in spirit.

One week and a day ago, we were having dinner with you and your wife. One week and a day ago, we were laughing and chatting and catching up, you and my fiance’ were talking “hunting, guns, Trump, politics, all kinds of things.” Plans were made to attend my wedding next year, talks of us thinking of possibly moving near you and your wife, plans for you and my fiance’ to go hunting together. 
Now you are gone, back to heavenly home and everyone left behind are in mourning. 
You were one heck of a guy, Mr. Mike James. I will miss your comments on my facebook, I will miss seeing you when I go up to St Louis. It feels like a bad dream that I cant wake up from. I wish I could just wake up and this nightmare not be real. It feels like someone punched me in the stomach. it feels like a giant lump in my throat. It feels like my heart has shattered into a zillion fragmented pieces. 

😥 RIP Mr. Mike James. I know you def. earned your angel wings. 

❤ Fly High.

so disgusted and embarrassed by this! Boycotting my little pony? its 2019..ugh

So a lot of People have no issues with Disney movies or children’s programming promoting heterosexual “need a man/prince,” mentality, but as soon as something airs with homosexual relations, everyone that is crazy traditional religious is all up in arms and “grab your pitchforks and torches, burn the blasphemers.” It’s 2019 people, there should be no more homophobia, transphobia, disability-phobia, dwarf-phobia, racism, sexist ideas, or any of that stuff. The old testament was before Jesus’ time, the new testament was around Jesus teachings but actually written by “followers” of Jesus. Who knows, they could have thrown in their own views or maybe when it was translated from Hebrew or whatever language, something got “lost in translation.” I mean, think about it, Jesus hung out with the sinners, prostitutes, the “scum of the scum,” as people viewed them. He taught love and acceptance. Not trying to change their ways by saying “You’re  GOING TO HELL!” he did it through love, he made them want to turn from their sins, not try to force it. 

Today there was an article on WAFB Channel 9 about a My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Episode that featured the character, Scootaloo, being looked after by her same-sex couple aunts; Aunt Holiday and Aunt Lofty. First, it was Arthur about Mr. Ratburn and a gay wedding, and now this. People were all pissed about both “It isn’t appropriate for children,” “Protect our children,” “Satan’s agenda,” blah blah blah. 

I may have been brought up Catholic all my life, and I still love my religion, faith, and God almighty, but the organization has its own faults ..*Cough* *Cough* Pedo Priests getting frisky with the altar boys or whatever. We are all human, we all have faults, we all sin. 

But the media are doing things like this to try to be relatable and give representation to minorities and their families: Homosexuals(The child or the parents), bi-racial (parents or child), single-parent households, being raised by someone other than parents (Grandparents/uncles/aunts/cousins, adopted, orphaned, fostered, etc.), transsexuals (parents or child), those with disabilities. With more representation and showing that these people aren’t weirdos or “freaks,” and that they are just like everyone else and shouldn’t be targeted, harassed, bullied, etc. over stuff they can’t control. 


Since a lot of parents tend to shove their ideas and beliefs down their children’s throats, and not teach their kids to not be little assholes, its up to society to also push in some compassion and empathy because there are many walks of life and no one should be bullied to the point of trauma, depression, homicide, or suicide.  

https://www.wafb.com/news/national/2019/06/12/my-little-pony-brings-same-sex-couple-latest-episode/?fbclid=IwAR0aVMBrRNi39ZEKJIbFNmv_0w6LMevvOF5OHdjuUbKScVpgnqCnhK8GPd8

latest update. Remembering Mommie’s birthday, the wake, and the funeral.

My grandmother, Ruby “mommie” Cormier died on Sunday, June 9, 2019; one day before her 89th birthday. I took it hard at first because I had been wanting to do a Youtube tag video with her, but I kept hurting a lot and couldn’t get out there to do it with her, and now I can’t do it because she is gone. I was also upset, because I had always planned for her to be present at my future wedding, when I got all my college degrees, to see me start my own career and chase my dreams, and maybe even eventually see me start a family; well now, she won’t be around for any of those events, not physically anyway. I came to realize though, she is in a better place, she is no longer hurting or suffering from dementia or diabetes. She could truly start living a fun life again.

Yesterday, Monday, June 10, 2019, in honor of her birthday, a lot of the family went out to eat at Pizza Village (one place she loved to eat), Mom made a chocolate cake, and we shared lots of memories, laughter, and of course cake. We even sang “Happy Birthday,” and the other patrons of the restaurant probably thought we were a bunch of weirdos. The younger kids, her great-grand kids, wanted to do a balloon release and so we “sent the balloons up to heaven.”

Today, Tuesday, June 11, 2019, the “wake,” at the funeral home was from 4-8 pm. with a rosary at 5 p.m. It really wasn’t that hard on me today; sure, I got a little choked up during the rosary, but other than that, Again, we shared lots of memories and laughter between families and friends. My younger cousin, Hadley, (4 years old) kept “arresting” my dad and putting him in “han-cuffs.” Adorable kids are always a good distraction from the pain of grieving.

Me: Hadley, you arresting uncle ronald? 
HK: Uh-huh
Me: you know thats my dad, right? 
HK: *Looked worried I was gonna tell her to leave him alone* 
Me: Good Job, Get him. Give me high-five! 
she just giggled and gave me “five” 
(She’s definitely come a long way since Easter two years ago when she would run away from me! lol)

More than likely tomorrow will be the real challenge when they close that casket and we have to leave her. I am gonna try to read what I wrote the other day in dedication to her when she first died…I might get choked up but I will try to do it.

I found an angel pin that I put on her to be buried with, and a picture of me, her, and david from Christmas 2017 when David and I first started dating. Also being buried is a toy cat that supposed to represent “Socks” (her cat she had before she went in the nursing home), and some pictures of her, Hadley, and Hadley’s older brother “Braylon”. Those kids are young, but I hope they know how much their great-grandmother loved them as much as they loved her. <3<3

anyway, good night. Thoughts and prayers with the family for tomorrow is appreciated.

another sleepless night; chronic pain and tears.

A bad storm passed through Louisiana this week so it has been quite a bit of sleepless nights for me lately and then add in the dreaded once a month bullshit us females have to deal with, adding in stress, anxiety, hormones, emotional roller coaster, all that (sarcastic tone) “fun.” Tonight, I tossed and turned for 2 hours while my fiance’ just lays next to me snoring; sure, I could wake him up and make him suffer with me, but that is selfish plus he works to provide for us, so I guess he needs the sleep more than I do, but it sure would be nice to be able to talk these things out instead of blogging them.

I have a mattress that can elevate the head, it helps with migraines and sometimes my upper back (then I gotta deal with my lower back and hips hurting), but tonight my upper back is hurting and I am not even gonna use the head-elevation because lately it has been making my fiance’ back hurt in the morning; which sent me down the dreaded “rabbit hole” of the uncertainty of a future together: What if I become bed-ridden, what if he has to help me with everything more than he does now? That isn’t what he signed on for! It isn’t fair to him. I know he made a commitment to me and he constantly reminds me of it anytime I start crying and freaking out about how much pain I am in and the fears that sends into me about how uncertain my life and future are; I just don’t want him to have regrets or resentments. I love him, I really do, but when these fears kick in, I go into flight mode and tend to push him away, thinking I am saving him from being stuck in a sucky future with me and my damn disability. How can I expect him to accept it and what it does to me, if I cant even accept it completely myself?

If there was a pill created to make me “normal,” like everyone else in society, I would take it! Even though I also feel like having my disability has made me a well-rounded, wise, empathetic, compassionate, supportive, loyal, passionate person. Does it make me a bad person? Why is it I can be a support system and cheerleader for others with disabilities but yet I cant even accept myself completely? Does it make me a hypocrite? Maybe its just the pain talking; well the pain and the damn devil. I need to really work on myself and loving myself for me; whole-y and completely. Maybe after my surgery to fix my rods, maybe my pain will be better, and I can start being happy again. One can only hope.

“heart” Poem- (old piece)

Red heart,

Symbol of love,

Fitting together

Like pieces of a puzzle.

Love,

Community, people, socialization

Family, friends, significant others,

Neighbors, simple strangers on the street.

People equal love and happiness,

Loneliness equals sadness, depression,

No heart equals no love,

Overwhelming dark black hole,

Sucking away any chance of happiness.

Ideas for my Youtube Channel-March 2019- Not implemented yet*

Thought of something for my YouTube channel. Name the channel “Jamie’s Journey” and have a weekly Q&A segment called “jabber-jawing with Jamie”. Anyone like this idea??? It would give in-depth looks at my life with my disabilities and trying to push through, to have a semi-“normal” life. Some days will be out and about, some will be looking at doctor visits, some will be routines, some will be about me doing cooking/baking, some will be me lip-syncing, etc. … Some will be me dancing around the apartment, some will be tag videos, some will feature guests like my fiance’, my parents, grandmother, family, etc…. However, I am sick and this will not begin until after I am feeling 100% better.

Update: I still have yet to do this, due to my Chronic pain and living on pain meds; probably won’t happen until after I have my surgery for my broken rods.