peeks into my life dealing with everyday life and obstacles as well as obstacles of dealing with disabilities and accessibility obstacles, Chronic Pain due to broken spinal rods, living on pain medications, dealing with anxiety/depression, experiencing the newness of love, and fighting for my right to live and love my life in an ableist society.
Just ate #ChocolateCake for #Breakfast. Now I feel sick. Sugar distracts my #ChronicPain so I can go longer without #PainMeds but its not healthy and I have a risk for #Diabetes since my #Grandmother had it. Hopefully I don’t develop it before I have back surgery to fix my rods and my #ChronicPain.
I am tired of living a life of decisions; pain meds or risking diabetes, Fun and going out or cabin fever and bed but no pain, etc. It isn’t much of a life. Soon, Jamie, Soon!
I was able to read my “writing” I did for Mommie on the day I found out she died, today; however, toward the ending, I got choked up, and quickly finished, and ran out the room before the water-works started. I had a huge knot in my stomach all day and could barely eat: I forced myself to eat a little bit though to just not get sick.
At the church, Mom wrote and read a beautiful eulogy- I know where I got my writing talent from. It described my Mommie perfectly. It was at the same church and cemetry my Poppee- grandpa is buried.
In happier news, David and I like the church for our wedding in year 2021 (if all goes well with my surgery and recovery). Today was a hard memory in that church, time to add in a happy one 🙂 Plus, this way, Mommee and Poppee’s spirit don’t have to travel too far to be in that church when I walk down that aisle. 🙂 Another funny thing, my aunt Jan grabbed my fiance’ by the collar and basically threatened him, “If you hurt Jamie, you deal with me!” I think he knows if he ever hurts me, he’s gonna have a huge angry mob after him! LMAO.
My grandmother, Ruby “mommie” Cormier died on Sunday, June 9, 2019; one day before her 89th birthday. I took it hard at first because I had been wanting to do a Youtube tag video with her, but I kept hurting a lot and couldn’t get out there to do it with her, and now I can’t do it because she is gone. I was also upset, because I had always planned for her to be present at my future wedding, when I got all my college degrees, to see me start my own career and chase my dreams, and maybe even eventually see me start a family; well now, she won’t be around for any of those events, not physically anyway. I came to realize though, she is in a better place, she is no longer hurting or suffering from dementia or diabetes. She could truly start living a fun life again.
Yesterday, Monday, June 10, 2019, in honor of her birthday, a lot of the family went out to eat at Pizza Village (one place she loved to eat), Mom made a chocolate cake, and we shared lots of memories, laughter, and of course cake. We even sang “Happy Birthday,” and the other patrons of the restaurant probably thought we were a bunch of weirdos. The younger kids, her great-grand kids, wanted to do a balloon release and so we “sent the balloons up to heaven.”
Today, Tuesday, June 11, 2019, the “wake,” at the funeral home was from 4-8 pm. with a rosary at 5 p.m. It really wasn’t that hard on me today; sure, I got a little choked up during the rosary, but other than that, Again, we shared lots of memories and laughter between families and friends. My younger cousin, Hadley, (4 years old) kept “arresting” my dad and putting him in “han-cuffs.” Adorable kids are always a good distraction from the pain of grieving.
Me: Hadley, you arresting uncle ronald?
HK: Uh-huh
Me: you know thats my dad, right?
HK: *Looked worried I was gonna tell her to leave him alone*
Me: Good Job, Get him. Give me high-five!
she just giggled and gave me “five”
(She’s definitely come a long way since Easter two years ago when she would run away from me! lol)
More than likely tomorrow will be the real challenge when they close that casket and we have to leave her. I am gonna try to read what I wrote the other day in dedication to her when she first died…I might get choked up but I will try to do it.
I found an angel pin that I put on her to be buried with, and a picture of me, her, and david from Christmas 2017 when David and I first started dating. Also being buried is a toy cat that supposed to represent “Socks” (her cat she had before she went in the nursing home), and some pictures of her, Hadley, and Hadley’s older brother “Braylon”. Those kids are young, but I hope they know how much their great-grandmother loved them as much as they loved her. <3<3
anyway, good night. Thoughts and prayers with the family for tomorrow is appreciated.
Yesterday, Mom called me and told me that “If I want to go say my final goodbyes to Mommie, I might want to go as soon as I could.” David and I had plans already, but I had an emotional breakdown while at our plans, so we dropped everything and went to see Mommie. She was sedated on morphine, every so often it seemed like her chest would ‘jump’ as if struggling to breathe, her eyes were closed, but they told me she could hear me. I told her “I love you, Mommie. Dad, Mom, Jared, and I love you. David, my fiance loves you.” There were other people in the room, so I just held her hand and thought the other things I wanted to tell her, hoping she could feel them telepathically. As I talked to her and said my silent prayers, holding her hand, she squeezed mine a little bit once or twice. David and I also visited with my aunts in the room about family things to kind of ease the tension a little bit. Mom texted me this morning and told me, Mommie had passed away this morning. Mom and my aunt seem to think, maybe she was holding on for me. maybe she was. I don’t know.
After I found out about her death though, I was inspired to write something up; I may share it at the funeral, I may not. I will try, but I may breakdown half-way through it. Only one way to know for sure: Do it in fear. Fortitude! Only for you, Mommie. Love you.
We are here to remember the life of Ruby “Mommie” Cormier; Sister, Mother, Grandmother, great-grandmother, friend, and child of God. We are also here to remember the love we all shared for her and the fond memories we shared with her: those good memories are what will get us through this tough period as we say our final goodbyes to her Earthly form, but it is only a temporary goodbye; we all hope and pray to see her again when we leave this Earthly life.
My earliest memories of Mommie was about 2 or 3 years old, going almost every weekend when they lived in Lewisburg, Louisiana; she always had a Sippy cup of coffee milk waiting for me, and when Poppee would call me the pet name “Sack of Shit,” (which question, how is that a pet name; but go figure with those Cormiers) Mommie would always argue, “No poppee, she is a sack of sugar.”
I remember her and my nanny (Martha) accompanying us a few times to Shreveport when I was at Shriners Hospital for dr. appointments. When she moved to the apartments in Lafayette, I remember walking with her to the mailbox and along the way, she would “show me off,” to her neighbors and be all “This is my youngest granddaughter. She’s my baby.” She would brag to anyone who would listen about that time when I was just an infant, “I couldn’t hold my bottle with my arms, so I held them with my feet.” As I got older, I got so “sick” of hearing that story and a little embarrassed when she would tell it to my friends, but I also knew that she was proud of me and had a deep love for me.
Mommie enjoyed many things: going to church, going to a rosary, doing bingo, going to the casino- for her 80th birthday, Mom even made her a cake that looked like a slot machine! She also loved her coffee and beignets. She sure enjoyed when we would take her to coffee depot in Scott, Louisiana for beignets and coffee; That was one of her “elements,” Coffee, beignets, and socializing with family and the waitresses at the restaurant who happened to know the family.
In 2012, when in St. Louis for Halo Traction, she came to spend a week with me. The first night she got turned around and I ended up having to walk her downstairs, to the parent housing side of the hospital. The whole walk she kept apologizing, but I was all “Mommie, it’s okay. The hospital is pretty confusing. I just learned it because I been here for almost 3 months.”
During 2016, when Trump was running election, which she was all “go trump,” and don’t get me wrong, I am not anti-Trump, I may not agree with everything he does but he is human, but anyway, we were talking and she must’ve just remembered Poppee’s last few good years because I heard stories in his younger days, he wasn’t that great of a person, but Mommee was all “If Poppee was still alive, he’d make a good president.” I swear, I nearly choked on my drink and did a spit-take when she said that. I think that was my first clue that she was starting to get dementia a little bit. But it was kind of good that she only remembered the good side of him too. She didn’t hold onto anger and hurt from the bad years. Or maybe she just forgave him, I don’t know. If it was just her forgiveness of all the hurt he had caused her in the past, then that is proof of the good person she was and I am almost definite she got her angel wings.
She also took in others besides her family; she took in Mom’s family- we often took her to family get-togethers at Moms family- she loved all the little kids and would love on them. She took in my friends as if her own grandkids and when they called her, “Mrs. Cormier,” she would correct them “No, it’s Mommie.” She would sit and have coffee with neighbors at her apartment complex, even those that had slight mental disabilities (one guy in particular, which I cannot remember his name at the moment.) She was also a huge animal lover, as proof of her playing with my dogs when she would come to visit, and she loved her cat, Socks; until Mommie had to go into the nursing home and we had to re-home Socks. She even took in my (now ex-boyfriend) when we were dating, and she even accepted my now-fiance’ David, who she loved to give lots of kisses on the cheek to, and he loved them back. She was a very sweet, loving lady, but boy if you got on her “shit list,” look out, she stood her ground. I guess that’s where I got that from! HAHA!
She was just an overall loving person and genuinely very happy until dementia started in and it affected her mood and perspective at times, but before dementia, she was a great model of what we should strive to live our lives as.
Sure, I had plans for her to be at future events: when I got married, got my bachelors/masters/ or whatever other college degrees, see me start my own career and chase my dreams, possibly see me have a family of my own; but sadly, life is never promised to pan out how we want, and sure, I will miss her being in attendance physically at these major events, but she will always be there in spirit and in my heart.
Bright side is I now have another angel, looking out for me. Love you, Mommie.
Today I got a text from Mom in concern with my grandmother, my “Mommie.” She told me, ” Catholic daughters went pray rosary at hospital for mommie this morning. She opened her eyes, recognized them & even prayed some of the rosary with them. They moved her back to the nursing home this afternoon “
At least she is opening her eyes, recognized them, and even prayed some of the rosary with them.” We aren’t out of the woods yet, so prayers for our family is still appreciated. Thanks.
A knot formed in the pit of my stomach. I know when hospice is called in, it is bad, but this just tore me up to the point where I am now debating whether I even want to go see her before she passes. I was talking to mom earlier today, talking about how if I could, I would have my wedding now so “Mommee” could be there for it, and she told me, “you haven’t seen her; she cannot open her eyes or communicate.”
I remember when I went to see my other grandma on the day before she died; sedated, unresponsive, eyes closed, her tongue had a greenish pale color to it, I knew she wasn’t doing good and had a gut feeling that she wouldn’t make it. However, instead of remembering just the good times when she looked happy and healthy, a lot of times, that was the image that haunted me even after her passing. I don’t know if I can handle going through that again.
At the same time, I don’t want any “regrets.” So I am so conflicted right now 😦 I wish this wasn’t happening.
My mom gave me an update on my grandmother last night; they are calling in hospice but taking her back to the nursing home to ensure she is comfortable and safe. 😦 It doesn’t look like she has much longer. I need to go visit her now before its too late. I don’t want my last memories being regrets of not visiting her enough or her being sickly in the hospital a day or two before she passes. Mom said “she’s not in her right mind,” but it is like I don’t mind. I need to go visit her. My gut is telling me I need to go. So more than likely, she will not get to see me get married or graduate with my bachelors degree or any of those future things. 😥 *sigh*
But that is life, it isn’t always fair and doesn’t always make sense. As long as she isn’t suffering anymore, I need to remember that.
Just 11 days before my grandma’s birthday, my fiance’ had a missed call from my mom this morning so I called her back; she wanted him to tell me that my grandma(mommee) is in the hospital and it wasn’t looking good, that her kidneys were failing and they were debating on dialysis. Just wanting me to “prepare for the worst.”
My “Mommee” is my last remaining grandparent and after she passes, I will basically be a “grandparent orphan.” Never will she get to see me walk down the aisle for my wedding(which is a year away), never will she be able to see me become a parent, never will she be able to see me finish school and chase my dreams, or any other things I had dreamed about her seeing for my future.
I love you, Mommee. Please recover from this, but I also know that if you do pass, it is God’s will and you will be in a better place. No longer suffering with the dementia, confusion, and pains of this world; only the loved ones left behind are the ones who mourn and grieve the loss. ❤
Love
Jamie's Twisted Journey 