another sleepless night; chronic pain and tears.

A bad storm passed through Louisiana this week so it has been quite a bit of sleepless nights for me lately and then add in the dreaded once a month bullshit us females have to deal with, adding in stress, anxiety, hormones, emotional roller coaster, all that (sarcastic tone) “fun.” Tonight, I tossed and turned for 2 hours while my fiance’ just lays next to me snoring; sure, I could wake him up and make him suffer with me, but that is selfish plus he works to provide for us, so I guess he needs the sleep more than I do, but it sure would be nice to be able to talk these things out instead of blogging them.

I have a mattress that can elevate the head, it helps with migraines and sometimes my upper back (then I gotta deal with my lower back and hips hurting), but tonight my upper back is hurting and I am not even gonna use the head-elevation because lately it has been making my fiance’ back hurt in the morning; which sent me down the dreaded “rabbit hole” of the uncertainty of a future together: What if I become bed-ridden, what if he has to help me with everything more than he does now? That isn’t what he signed on for! It isn’t fair to him. I know he made a commitment to me and he constantly reminds me of it anytime I start crying and freaking out about how much pain I am in and the fears that sends into me about how uncertain my life and future are; I just don’t want him to have regrets or resentments. I love him, I really do, but when these fears kick in, I go into flight mode and tend to push him away, thinking I am saving him from being stuck in a sucky future with me and my damn disability. How can I expect him to accept it and what it does to me, if I cant even accept it completely myself?

If there was a pill created to make me “normal,” like everyone else in society, I would take it! Even though I also feel like having my disability has made me a well-rounded, wise, empathetic, compassionate, supportive, loyal, passionate person. Does it make me a bad person? Why is it I can be a support system and cheerleader for others with disabilities but yet I cant even accept myself completely? Does it make me a hypocrite? Maybe its just the pain talking; well the pain and the damn devil. I need to really work on myself and loving myself for me; whole-y and completely. Maybe after my surgery to fix my rods, maybe my pain will be better, and I can start being happy again. One can only hope.

The last week-Stomach problems-May 2019

The last week or so, I been having stomach problems. First, my fiance’ niece was over here and any change in routine and my stomach routine goes out of wack (constipation). I was hurting more in my back and hips, lots of belching, bloating, nausea, decreased appetite, and gas; so I thought maybe it was due to constipation, however, once I did get back on my bathroom routine, I still had problems continue.

when I am hungry, I get nauseated, and once I eat, it chills out for a little while, unless I overeat, and then nausea comes back. I still have decreased appetite, craving more sweets, still belching a lot, still got a lot of bloating and gas, and at least my pain in my back and hips has returned to its normal-pain levels.

Yesterday and Today, it was BBQ lunch I had yesterday and then I also had red velvet cake today, so my stomach is really hurting and gurgling 😥

August cannot come fast enough. I think that is a lot of my issues- the broken rods, my Kyphosis getting worse again, putting pressure on my tummy. 😦

Latest in my “twisted Tales” Journey-May 2019

I received a letter in mail today from St Louis. No info about if I was approved for hardship assistance/Financial Assistance, probably will call about that, but the letter was to confirm my pre-op appointments. justin case, please pass around my gofundme page https://www.gofundme.com/jamie-has-broken-rods-and-other-problems-occurring

Tuesday July 16 at 10:45 a.m., I will have a meet with Dr. Kelly to discuss surgery and sign my consent paperwork. Also on July 16, at 1 p.m. I will be meeting with the Anesthesia Department to have my pre-op testing completed.

It’s getting more real! August is gonna come so quickly!!!

In other news, we have David’s niece, “Sky-baby,” for the week and also its the apartment complex’s resident appreciation week. We had ice cream and waffles today, tomorrow is trivia and Pizza, Wed. is breakfast in the morning while supplies lasts.  Thursday they are gonna pick up our trash from patios in the morning and afternoon they offering free car washes. Friday is the crawfish boil! I’m so excited to enjoy these events and even more we get to share these fun experiences with “Sky” ❤ we also gonna try to go treat her to Cajun Heartland State fair at Cajundome or we could go to Children’s museum, Girard park, a movie at theater, go show her the turtles and alligators at Cypress Lake at ULL; There is also the option of Go Kart Ranch or Bowling<3 And she loves swimming. 🙂 So just swimming and me doing spa-makeup and dress up, and board games with her, she already has fun 🙂

#AuntJamieandNieceBondingTime #ShelovesmeMorethanherUncle #ImtheFavorite LMAO. I love my future niece and she loves me. She doesn’t notice or care that I have a disability; all she sees is someone who likes to have fun and entertain her and isn’t as impatient with her as her uncle is. She sees someone who doesn’t mind acting like a child but will adult when they need to. ❤

the “latest and not so greatest”- May 2019

the latest update from my Scoliosis Journey: St Louis (Dr. Kelly’s office) called. He still bouncing around about the simpler (just fixing surgery) or the bigger surgery. I told them Dr. Lenke said he was gonna talk to dr kelly and how he (Dr. Lenke) suggested the smaller surgery. Apparently, he hadn’t talked to him yet, or the nurses weren’t updated. 🤷‍♀️The nurse made a note and said if we do the smaller surgery, the date she has is Aug. 14(two days before the anniversary of my surgery in 2012) and the pre-op appointment would be July 16. They want me to do a pulmonary Function Test (I am having them fax the orders to my gp- because my Respiratory Doctor said and I quote “didn’t see it as a necessity” because more than likely they would “do one before surgery,” and I “have my CPAP machine this time.” 🙄
in other news, I went to a pain management appointment on Monday, April 29. It was okay aside from spending all day there. It was just a consult. Typical dr. appointment- xrays, weight, and height, looked at my back, tested my reflexes, all that boring medical stuff. lol. I go back on May 28.
Also, Still fighting with that stupid wound on my incision- it opens, almost fully closes, then reopens. It’s oozing bad the last few days, going to wound care today at 1. The wound probably will keep giving me issues until I get the rods fixed. 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

Need Revision Surgery #MyGoFundMe #JamiesSurgery #BrokenRods- March 2019

My go-fund me account. Please share around if you cannot donate. Thanks ❤ https://www.gofundme.com/jamie-has-broken-rods-and-other-problems-occurring?fbclid=IwAR1eoT8HJHiIHSc6bX9Ej31bO0mhl5TIETaFEvpw8iXrHhme23ZlKcbbdWk

Update- March 2019

I legit have the best mom, hands down. She gave up some of the time she could be doing stuff for Heather’s baby shower to calm my anxieties and took me to wound care. Good news, it’s not an infection, it’s just a little red and that is “common when healing,” and I just need to “try to keep it covered as much as possible to keep infections out.”
She then asked if I had anything to eat at my apartment, which I did, but I told her “yes, but I am so tired of leftovers.”

Her: “Well, what are you hungry for? Sonic? Burger King? McDonald’s? Taco Bell?”
Me: “Taco Bell”
Her (continues listing, which was a mistake): Chick Fil A
Me: Oh my goodness, yes! My weakness! Chick Fil A!
Her: oh my! What about your stomach?
me: I am hurting in my back which means I don’t give a flying flip about my stomach’s issues. when I hurt, I eat junk. its my comfort.

her: Okay.
(so yes, she got me Chick Fil A nugget meal).

Then we went to Target, she needed some things for Heather’s baby shower, but didn’t find anything of what she wanted.
Her: Need anything before we leave?

Me: Well, I’d like some snacks so I am not stuck eating creamy peanut butter out of the jar till my food stamps come in.

Her: Like what?
Me: Just some popcorn, a thing of chips, some real coke cola and not the no-name brand cheapo one me and David been getting at Fred’s, some fruit roll ups, and some type of cookies.

Her: okay. I’ll get that for you.

So I legit have the best Mom in the world! and a great Dad who works hard to pay for it 😛 ❤ #Blessed

anyway, I am home now, and going try to rest despite my back aching.

Can’t sleep so I am going to ramble- March 2019

After staying up till midnight, then going to bed only to toss for two hours uncomfortably, I came back into the living room while my fiance’ slept. Normally, he’d still be up as well, doing his best to help get me comfortable(sometimes its out of either of our control),  but he has to work the rest of the week with a new job he just started so I put on a “brave face” and hid my pain from him.
My wound that I have been dealing for almost 2 years feels a tad swollen and it itches around it. It looks really red in the pictures I take myself, but again I don’t want to say anything to him because knowing him, he will ditch the job to take me to ER or wound care center.
I am also hiding it and not saying anything to Mom, because she is busy with planning a baby shower for her niece Heather. doesn’t have time to worry about little old me and my wound. I know that I need to get it seen about and it could be dangerous, but at the same time, I hate being a burden. 😦 it’d be so much simpler if I wasn’t disabled and didn’t have this stupid wound. I am conflicted and hiding something that could end up being very serious.
I know that once they read this (if they read this,) I will get some sort of lecture, but this is my feelings sometimes; that I am a burden. If it wouldn’t be for my friends and family, I’d probably have “offed” myself years ago during middle school or high school. There are times when doubt creeps in.

1.) With my fiance’:  will never have a normal life–they may not have kids, they may be stuck taking care of me the rest of their life, I won’t be able to cater to them like a wife should, etc etc. Why does he love me? Why is he here? He could be with anyone? Why does he want some virgin girl with barely any boobs and a little butt, and short as all heck with disabilities out the wazoo?

2.) My parents: I feel like sometimes I am a disappointment(more with my dad). I don’t know what dreams they had for me (some parents have their kids futures all planned out). I am pretty sure if they had a plan for my future, it wouldn’t have included all these disabilities, dr appointments, and “curve balls of life.”

3.) I am really immature still. I am almost 28 and still love dress up, cartoons/kids shows and movies, the Children’s Museum, riding 4wheelers and go-karts and golf-carts, I love animals and dressing them up in clothes/costumes, I still think about my dolls and my barbies. I can still get “in touch with my inner kid,” easily and my dad “rags me” about it a lot. I don’t watch the news at all- I see enough of it on social media and it depresses me (My fiance’ says I need to “get with reality”- No thanks, if reality is watching the news, then I rather live in my little fantasy bubble. I already know things are messed up and crazy in the world. 😦 #ITrustInGod to fix things. My mom seems to get me the best. She doesn’t mind me being immature. Sure there are times when we see things differently, but she doesn’t rag me on stuff I can’t help; like my “immaturity.” Come to think of it, once I reached age 10, was when Dad started trying to get me to “grow up a little” and Mom always defended me saying “let her be a kid as long as she likes.” (I am sure that’s not her feelings now, but she knows I “adult up” and take care of what needs to get completed.) #BestMomAward

4.) Life has beaten me up and I lost a lot of the fun-loving and creative person I use to be. I am more introverted, self-conscious, anxious in public, feel like I wanna hide when I get stares, or when people are rude/discriminatory towards me or someone disabled, I am ready to throw down and fight. I don’t know. I just don’t feel like my old self. I feel like I need to get back to the essence of who I really am. I need that spark and zest for life, back although it is kinda hard when you living on pain meds and sometimes even that doesn’t help. Maybe once I get these broken rods taken care of, maybe my pain will diminish and I can get some of that joy for life back. One can only hope.