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Depression..The silent killer.

It’s officially December and I am not in the Christmas spirit like usual. Usually, I would be going all out with decorations and such, but not this year- maybe lights and that’s it. Due to moving in Jan. We don’t want to have to haul extra stuff than what is needed. Plus, it will be the first Christmas without Mommie, Mr. Mike James, my cousin Racheal Mary Meche, Ms. Nancy Moticka

It has been too much death in one year; not to mention all the other I care about who isn’t around anymore either- My other grandmother (maw), and then one of the most influential women in my life, Mrs. Evelyn Zehner, “Mrs. Z” from Camp we can do. It’s just so hard… I know there are worse people off, but for some reason I just cannot get into the spirit yet this year. Is it because of not decorating much this year, the financial stresses and having to ask mom to loan money for us to buy Christmas gifts until David can find a job? I don’t know. Just tired of always being miserable. I can’t remember the last time I was sincerely happy for more than a few hours.

😥 I don’t know, I just been depressed all day today. Hopefully, I can get out of this funk. Prayers appreciated. I hate it when I get depression.

another sleepless night; chronic pain and tears.

A bad storm passed through Louisiana this week so it has been quite a bit of sleepless nights for me lately and then add in the dreaded once a month bullshit us females have to deal with, adding in stress, anxiety, hormones, emotional roller coaster, all that (sarcastic tone) “fun.” Tonight, I tossed and turned for 2 hours while my fiance’ just lays next to me snoring; sure, I could wake him up and make him suffer with me, but that is selfish plus he works to provide for us, so I guess he needs the sleep more than I do, but it sure would be nice to be able to talk these things out instead of blogging them.

I have a mattress that can elevate the head, it helps with migraines and sometimes my upper back (then I gotta deal with my lower back and hips hurting), but tonight my upper back is hurting and I am not even gonna use the head-elevation because lately it has been making my fiance’ back hurt in the morning; which sent me down the dreaded “rabbit hole” of the uncertainty of a future together: What if I become bed-ridden, what if he has to help me with everything more than he does now? That isn’t what he signed on for! It isn’t fair to him. I know he made a commitment to me and he constantly reminds me of it anytime I start crying and freaking out about how much pain I am in and the fears that sends into me about how uncertain my life and future are; I just don’t want him to have regrets or resentments. I love him, I really do, but when these fears kick in, I go into flight mode and tend to push him away, thinking I am saving him from being stuck in a sucky future with me and my damn disability. How can I expect him to accept it and what it does to me, if I cant even accept it completely myself?

If there was a pill created to make me “normal,” like everyone else in society, I would take it! Even though I also feel like having my disability has made me a well-rounded, wise, empathetic, compassionate, supportive, loyal, passionate person. Does it make me a bad person? Why is it I can be a support system and cheerleader for others with disabilities but yet I cant even accept myself completely? Does it make me a hypocrite? Maybe its just the pain talking; well the pain and the damn devil. I need to really work on myself and loving myself for me; whole-y and completely. Maybe after my surgery to fix my rods, maybe my pain will be better, and I can start being happy again. One can only hope.

A body like a rollercoaster poem-(old piece)

A Body Like a RollerCoaster:

               A body likes a rollercoaster

Lots of twists and turns,

A winding track,

Many different options to explore,

Many different twists of the curves,

Twisting one way,

 going up a giant incline,

Slowly climbing up, up, up, to the very top,

It can be quite a tiring experience; that long trek

Then the scary part, the drop!

You drop down,

going faster and faster,

gaining speed as you drop down the tracks

Another twist in the tracks,

 then a loop upside down,

You start screaming!

               With lots of ups and downs,

“Bumps, stumbles, and falls,”

“bruises and scars,”

Not just physically,

The “rider” (patient) can also be traumatically scarred too,

Turning life upside down,

Like loops on a rollercoaster,

Making the victim,

The patient, plagued with this disorder

The limiting disability known as Scoliosis,

 scream and cry,

tired and emotionally drained,

“Let me off now,

Before I die.”

The last week-Stomach problems-May 2019

The last week or so, I been having stomach problems. First, my fiance’ niece was over here and any change in routine and my stomach routine goes out of wack (constipation). I was hurting more in my back and hips, lots of belching, bloating, nausea, decreased appetite, and gas; so I thought maybe it was due to constipation, however, once I did get back on my bathroom routine, I still had problems continue.

when I am hungry, I get nauseated, and once I eat, it chills out for a little while, unless I overeat, and then nausea comes back. I still have decreased appetite, craving more sweets, still belching a lot, still got a lot of bloating and gas, and at least my pain in my back and hips has returned to its normal-pain levels.

Yesterday and Today, it was BBQ lunch I had yesterday and then I also had red velvet cake today, so my stomach is really hurting and gurgling 😥

August cannot come fast enough. I think that is a lot of my issues- the broken rods, my Kyphosis getting worse again, putting pressure on my tummy. 😦

Need Revision Surgery #MyGoFundMe #JamiesSurgery #BrokenRods- March 2019

My go-fund me account. Please share around if you cannot donate. Thanks ❤ https://www.gofundme.com/jamie-has-broken-rods-and-other-problems-occurring?fbclid=IwAR1eoT8HJHiIHSc6bX9Ej31bO0mhl5TIETaFEvpw8iXrHhme23ZlKcbbdWk