So around 3:15 p.m. on Saturday, March 8, 2020, I received an email from email@example.com saying I had gotten $250.00 from a Jeremy Fontenot. I found that strange considering I don’t know any Jeremy Fontenots and when I looked at details the email was addressed to firstname.lastname@example.org not my Jamie.email@example.com so why did it go to my gmail? Even stranger, the person wrote “for tickets” in the details for the transaction. What tickets? I wasn’t selling any tickets or anything. I was faced with a moral decision to make..”Do I keep the money even though I know it wasn’t intended for me even though I could really use it?” or “Do I do the right thing, email the person, tell them the mixup and send the money back?” I did what I would want someone to do if it was me, I emailed them and then returned the money to them, even though I really (really, really, really) wanted to keep it. I did however get something out of it; not monitary, but something much better- Pride in myself, and I got a compliment from the individual in an email, “Thank you so much. I really appreciate your kind heart in this situation. It could’ve gone in a negative direction, but because of you, it was very nice. This gives me one more example to tell of how there are great people in this world. I hope you have a fantastic day and blessings your way. By the way, I told my cousin that since yall emails are so close, I advised him to change it up a little so this confusion doesn’t happen again. Y’all already have the same name! LOL.” and I emailed back, telling him “LOL, Only difference really is I am female. I’ve been scammed out of money before, so I get it and I’m disabled so I guess I have a lot of empathy I guess, I dont know. Anyway thanks for the compliments. Would I liked $250 ,sure who wouldn’t? But Keeping it wouldn’t be right. Anyway God bless and If you would like to know more about my life and story, I have 2 blog pages and a youtube channel,” and gave him the links to them. He emailed back saying ” I will definitely look at your youtube and read about your story.” So I possibly got a new online follower out of it 🙂
A bad storm passed through Louisiana this week so it has been quite a bit of sleepless nights for me lately and then add in the dreaded once a month bullshit us females have to deal with, adding in stress, anxiety, hormones, emotional roller coaster, all that (sarcastic tone) “fun.” Tonight, I tossed and turned for 2 hours while my fiance’ just lays next to me snoring; sure, I could wake him up and make him suffer with me, but that is selfish plus he works to provide for us, so I guess he needs the sleep more than I do, but it sure would be nice to be able to talk these things out instead of blogging them.
I have a mattress that can elevate the head, it helps with migraines and sometimes my upper back (then I gotta deal with my lower back and hips hurting), but tonight my upper back is hurting and I am not even gonna use the head-elevation because lately it has been making my fiance’ back hurt in the morning; which sent me down the dreaded “rabbit hole” of the uncertainty of a future together: What if I become bed-ridden, what if he has to help me with everything more than he does now? That isn’t what he signed on for! It isn’t fair to him. I know he made a commitment to me and he constantly reminds me of it anytime I start crying and freaking out about how much pain I am in and the fears that sends into me about how uncertain my life and future are; I just don’t want him to have regrets or resentments. I love him, I really do, but when these fears kick in, I go into flight mode and tend to push him away, thinking I am saving him from being stuck in a sucky future with me and my damn disability. How can I expect him to accept it and what it does to me, if I cant even accept it completely myself?
If there was a pill created to make me “normal,” like everyone else in society, I would take it! Even though I also feel like having my disability has made me a well-rounded, wise, empathetic, compassionate, supportive, loyal, passionate person. Does it make me a bad person? Why is it I can be a support system and cheerleader for others with disabilities but yet I cant even accept myself completely? Does it make me a hypocrite? Maybe its just the pain talking; well the pain and the damn devil. I need to really work on myself and loving myself for me; whole-y and completely. Maybe after my surgery to fix my rods, maybe my pain will be better, and I can start being happy again. One can only hope.