another sleepless night; chronic pain and tears.

A bad storm passed through Louisiana this week so it has been quite a bit of sleepless nights for me lately and then add in the dreaded once a month bullshit us females have to deal with, adding in stress, anxiety, hormones, emotional roller coaster, all that (sarcastic tone) “fun.” Tonight, I tossed and turned for 2 hours while my fiance’ just lays next to me snoring; sure, I could wake him up and make him suffer with me, but that is selfish plus he works to provide for us, so I guess he needs the sleep more than I do, but it sure would be nice to be able to talk these things out instead of blogging them.

I have a mattress that can elevate the head, it helps with migraines and sometimes my upper back (then I gotta deal with my lower back and hips hurting), but tonight my upper back is hurting and I am not even gonna use the head-elevation because lately it has been making my fiance’ back hurt in the morning; which sent me down the dreaded “rabbit hole” of the uncertainty of a future together: What if I become bed-ridden, what if he has to help me with everything more than he does now? That isn’t what he signed on for! It isn’t fair to him. I know he made a commitment to me and he constantly reminds me of it anytime I start crying and freaking out about how much pain I am in and the fears that sends into me about how uncertain my life and future are; I just don’t want him to have regrets or resentments. I love him, I really do, but when these fears kick in, I go into flight mode and tend to push him away, thinking I am saving him from being stuck in a sucky future with me and my damn disability. How can I expect him to accept it and what it does to me, if I cant even accept it completely myself?

If there was a pill created to make me “normal,” like everyone else in society, I would take it! Even though I also feel like having my disability has made me a well-rounded, wise, empathetic, compassionate, supportive, loyal, passionate person. Does it make me a bad person? Why is it I can be a support system and cheerleader for others with disabilities but yet I cant even accept myself completely? Does it make me a hypocrite? Maybe its just the pain talking; well the pain and the damn devil. I need to really work on myself and loving myself for me; whole-y and completely. Maybe after my surgery to fix my rods, maybe my pain will be better, and I can start being happy again. One can only hope.

The last week-Stomach problems-May 2019

The last week or so, I been having stomach problems. First, my fiance’ niece was over here and any change in routine and my stomach routine goes out of wack (constipation). I was hurting more in my back and hips, lots of belching, bloating, nausea, decreased appetite, and gas; so I thought maybe it was due to constipation, however, once I did get back on my bathroom routine, I still had problems continue.

when I am hungry, I get nauseated, and once I eat, it chills out for a little while, unless I overeat, and then nausea comes back. I still have decreased appetite, craving more sweets, still belching a lot, still got a lot of bloating and gas, and at least my pain in my back and hips has returned to its normal-pain levels.

Yesterday and Today, it was BBQ lunch I had yesterday and then I also had red velvet cake today, so my stomach is really hurting and gurgling 😥

August cannot come fast enough. I think that is a lot of my issues- the broken rods, my Kyphosis getting worse again, putting pressure on my tummy. 😦

Happy Birthday, Dad! Youtube Video- May 2019

To My dad: For some fun times and those rare occasions when we don’t fight. You gave me my personality, blonde hair, sense of humor, and my ability to live as independently as possible; thanks for pushing me, despite having a disability.  Thanks for everything Dad. I love you.

I know I give my dad a lot of grief, but he has actually taught me some pretty cool skills. As a child, he would take me outside, and I’d watch him do wood-working things with the hammer, saw, etc. HE even let me work the saw sometimes! I practically grew up going to Lowe’s or JB Sandoz Hardware store, quite often! Another thing I remember doing often was when he’d be “on call” for work, and he’d take me with him; at his office there was this “magic dry erase board,” that would print whatever was written on it, and it could move to a different/clean board; I just was so fascinated by that board! We also went to Waffle House quite often for breakfasts and went eat at Deano’s Pizza a lot too; I still joke with mom, “We can’t go to Deano’s without Dad; that’s blasphemy!”

Another thing I remember doing with dad was the first time that he took me “crabbing”. Crabbing is where you go catch crabs, and no I don’t mean the STD; I mean, Crabs, the seafood.  We had to leave really early in the morning, so just like for Shriners trips, I would pack a bag the night before, and just change in the backseat. I remember we had ham sandwich supplies to eat lunch, and the darn seagulls were chasing me for my sandwich; finally, I just threw the sandwich and let them have it. I had so much fun, 10 years old, running on the docks to check the crab traps; getting all excited and jumping up and down, “DAD, There’re some crabs in this one!”

Another favorite memory with dad was when we’d go to go kart places; like the Kart Ranch in Lafayette. We’d ride go-karts, Dad always had me ride with him because we are both super competitive; I could trash talk the other people while he drove super-fast, making the hair blow in my face. While there, we also would do mini-golf and I always got a pink golf ball.

The funniest memory was when we were at my Aunt Sandra’s house in the country, somewhere in Texas. We went 4-wheeler riding and went fishing. I don’t mind the fishing, as long as I don’t have to touch them and they don’t flop around near me. I was scared of fish, for Pete’s sake! (What wasn’t I scared of as a kid?!)  Anyway, Dad had caught a fish, and it was on the back of the 4-wheeler and I was sitting on the 4-wheeler; the fish starts flopping closer to me, I scream! It’s funny now, but I was scared to death when it happened. Another memory was when we were riding 4-wheelers (ATV); Dad kept jumping the hills on them, and he lost his glasses in the fields after he had jumped one of the hills. I liked riding the 4wheelers: The wind in my hair, the thrill of jumping the hills; although the landing afterward, made my stomach jump into my throat!

Yes, Dad and I have a…Complicated relationship, but when we get along, it’s golden. I love him, even if he does work my nerves, and I do treasure these memories and things he’s done with me. I will never forget them because they are always in my heart, and I ask for some repeats now and again, like crabbing, which we should be going do again real soon; yay!