New YouTube video on my channel basically just rambling about life in general; childhood memories, dolls, my future, surgery, decorating for fall/Halloween, etc.
Last night, I was on my pain meds and as usual the drugs made me a sappy, hormonal, emotional wreck; especially when all they do is make me tired and don’t actually help my pain, and as tired as I am, I cannot get comfy enough to actually go to sleep- which causes me to become irritable, frustrated, and emotional. Warning: Below, is how I feel on those kinds of days. You’ve been warned.
Don’t get me wrong, I do absolutely love my fiance’ and most of the time I cannot absolutely at all fathom my life without him, but on my really bad pain days when I am cooped up in the house on pain meds and can’t stand my own life, I relate to Zendaya’s lyrics of the song.
He is so positive and confident about us, and I am like that girl (because of my age difference and looking like a kid, and my disability- the “mountains,” and “doors can’t walk through”) and what the world thinks. and just waiting for him to realize that it is hopeless and impossible for us to truly be happy together. I am always thinking “he didn’t sign on for all these issues: Me hurting all the time, me lashing out at him because I am hurting and frustrated; because I’m irritable.. How can I expect him to love me when I don’t even love myself?”
Maybe he’ll teach me a thing or two, or maybe if I have such idle time, pay attention to the negativity.
It’s a lot of self-esteem issues and idle time, pain meds causing depression, being bullied from a very young age (5 years old)- it’s hard to escape the “voices” of my past, but I am working hard on it because I do love him and I know he loves me.
At a fork,
unsure which way to go,
which path to take,
where is my place?
The Mark that I will make,
to leave my name on this planet Earth,
What road do I travel?
Where will Life’s journey send me?
stuck at the fork,
indecisions and unsure feelings,
obstacles and road blocks,
refusing my passage,
another mountain to climb,
another challenge to conquer,
How do i choose?
How do I Find my place?
My place, my mark on the world,
the legacy I will leave behind,
How do I find it,
in such a huge huge world, filled with endless choices,
but physical limitations, that and fear,
preventing me,blocking me,
not trusting and believing in myself,
blame lack of self-esteem and lack of confidence,
but I’m just a small girl,in a huge huge world.
One day, I’ll grow,
let go of the fear and obstacles holding me back,
I’ll figure it out,
one day at a time,
learning and growing each day,
blossoming, and blooming into a young lady,
I’ll find my way one day,
and have my found my place in the world.
Staring in the mirror,
A never ending war,
Another day to settle,
On the reflection,
Staring back at me.
Scars on my back, stomach, and side,
Evidence of my pressure sore, and trache also,
“My battle wounds,”
Of my Medical War,
As they still are so evident.
The Squishy, poor posture,
That prevents me,
From feeling beautiful,
And having that “model look”
In crop tops and bikinis;
Physical differences rearing their ugly faces,
Evident and tormenting me.
I punch the reflection, then yell,
Holding my hand now,
I sit back and think,
Back on my life,
And suddenly smile.
All the wonderful people in my life,
Some I wouldn’t have met,
If I had not had,
The bad physical disability that I had.
The lives I’ve touched,
The people I’ve inspired,
How I gave others hope,
Why can’t I do that for myself?
I suck down the “poor Pitiful me” party,
And break another smile,
I am thankful for everyone in my life,
Because even though,
I am not “normal,”
They are in my life,
Love me, and make my life,
Which would otherwise be lonely, cloudy, and grey,
Shine with a beauty bright.