New YouTube video on my channel basically just rambling about life in general; childhood memories, dolls, my future, surgery, decorating for fall/Halloween, etc.
My Mom used to say, that as a child, I had “a smile that was infectious and could brighten others days,” and I was an inspiration with how I handled my disability with a smile. However, over the years, between trying my best to fit in with society’s ideals/standards, trying to live up to what I was taught by my parents or CCD Religion classes, relationships with people I thought of as friends who turned out to be toxic (only to discover my true friends), relationships romantically, stress from struggles as a college student, and the struggles of living on and off with pain or other medical problems, I seem to have lost a sense of myself.
It’s like a constant battle between my heart, my brain, and the outside forces of voices from people around me. I am 28 and enjoy childish things like dolls, stuffed animals, playing games at the local fairs, I enjoy cartoons and childish movies, tea parties, parties, I get separation anxiety and sad when my friends have to leave; it is like I am still a child trapped in the biological fact that I am 28 and some people point it out and judge me and tell me, “You are 28, act your age.” But my question is, “Is it they are just jealous that I am trying to find joy in the things I have always enjoyed?” I am just trying to block out the darkness and cruelty of the world going on around me. It may make me ignorant, but I refuse to watch the news because it’s depressing and angers me, I rather “stick my head in the sand,” and tune it out, and leave it to God. When the world is so sad and depressing, who wouldn’t want to go back to the simpler times of innocence of childhood?
Don’t get me wrong, I still know some things I enjoy: Spending time with friends/family, parties, dancing, theater, crafts, creative writing, etc.; however, lately, I been really tired a lot and seem to stay in front of screen watching movies/tv or YouTube videos. It’s like I have no motivation or anything right now. I have wanted to do more blogging, more YouTube, more artistic and creative, but I just can’t get myself to actually do it, or how to put words out there.
Hopefully, I can rediscover myself again.
Last night, I was on my pain meds and as usual the drugs made me a sappy, hormonal, emotional wreck; especially when all they do is make me tired and don’t actually help my pain, and as tired as I am, I cannot get comfy enough to actually go to sleep- which causes me to become irritable, frustrated, and emotional. Warning: Below, is how I feel on those kinds of days. You’ve been warned.
Don’t get me wrong, I do absolutely love my fiance’ and most of the time I cannot absolutely at all fathom my life without him, but on my really bad pain days when I am cooped up in the house on pain meds and can’t stand my own life, I relate to Zendaya’s lyrics of the song.
He is so positive and confident about us, and I am like that girl (because of my age difference and looking like a kid, and my disability- the “mountains,” and “doors can’t walk through”) and what the world thinks. and just waiting for him to realize that it is hopeless and impossible for us to truly be happy together. I am always thinking “he didn’t sign on for all these issues: Me hurting all the time, me lashing out at him because I am hurting and frustrated; because I’m irritable.. How can I expect him to love me when I don’t even love myself?”
Maybe he’ll teach me a thing or two, or maybe if I have such idle time, pay attention to the negativity.
It’s a lot of self-esteem issues and idle time, pain meds causing depression, being bullied from a very young age (5 years old)- it’s hard to escape the “voices” of my past, but I am working hard on it because I do love him and I know he loves me.
At a fork,
unsure which way to go,
which path to take,
where is my place?
The Mark that I will make,
to leave my name on this planet Earth,
What road do I travel?
Where will Life’s journey send me?
stuck at the fork,
indecisions and unsure feelings,
obstacles and road blocks,
refusing my passage,
another mountain to climb,
another challenge to conquer,
How do i choose?
How do I Find my place?
My place, my mark on the world,
the legacy I will leave behind,
How do I find it,
in such a huge huge world, filled with endless choices,
but physical limitations, that and fear,
preventing me,blocking me,
not trusting and believing in myself,
blame lack of self-esteem and lack of confidence,
but I’m just a small girl,in a huge huge world.
One day, I’ll grow,
let go of the fear and obstacles holding me back,
I’ll figure it out,
one day at a time,
learning and growing each day,
blossoming, and blooming into a young lady,
I’ll find my way one day,
and have my found my place in the world.
What is normalcy? Normality is the condition of being normal; the state of being usual, typical, or expected, but what is “normal”? The definition of Normal can be defined as conforming to the standard or the common type; usual; not abnormal; regular; natural. As humans, especially around the ages of adolescence, all the way up to adulthood, we seek to be accepted; to be “normal,” but who are we to decide what is and isn’t normal?
If someone is different than us: whether it be in beliefs, religions, color of skin, sexuality, behaviors, physical appearances, etc., we make judgments and assumptions. Due to culture or who we grow up around, sometimes if we see a male with black skin, we assume they are dangerous. If a child acts up in the store, we assume they need butt-whooping and are lacking discipline, when really there could be underlying issues such as Autism or some other mental disability. If an Autistic child has a sudden “spasm” of energy and bounces around, we judge it as “weird,” or “funny,” and often times our teenage “normal” children mock and make fun of such behaviors. If we know someone is homosexual or “gay,” we automatically think/judge that those people are “going to hell,” due to religions’ teachings. We think “our way” is the right way and all or any other ways are all wrong, but God made us all different with different talents and gifts, shouldn’t our differences be celebrated instead of us being crucified and stoned to death for them? No Matter the differences, we are all human and we all bleed the same. Who are we to Judge others, when we as humans, all have sins and “Skeletons in our closets”? We are not God, even if you don’t believe in him, we have no right to judge others when we have our own faults. Why can’t there be more love in the world and less hate, bullying, and ill-will towards others; like the Black- Eyed Peas’ song, “Where Is the Love?” We as a species need to learn to “drop the arms” and learn to hug it out instead, or we will end up fighting ourselves into extinction. I, for one, refuse to be “Normal,” I want to be Abnormal.
Staring in the mirror,
A never ending war,
Another day to settle,
On the reflection,
Staring back at me.
Scars on my back, stomach, and side,
Evidence of my pressure sore, and trache also,
“My battle wounds,”
Of my Medical War,
As they still are so evident.
The Squishy, poor posture,
That prevents me,
From feeling beautiful,
And having that “model look”
In crop tops and bikinis;
Physical differences rearing their ugly faces,
Evident and tormenting me.
I punch the reflection, then yell,
Holding my hand now,
I sit back and think,
Back on my life,
And suddenly smile.
All the wonderful people in my life,
Some I wouldn’t have met,
If I had not had,
The bad physical disability that I had.
The lives I’ve touched,
The people I’ve inspired,
How I gave others hope,
Why can’t I do that for myself?
I suck down the “poor Pitiful me” party,
And break another smile,
I am thankful for everyone in my life,
Because even though,
I am not “normal,”
They are in my life,
Love me, and make my life,
Which would otherwise be lonely, cloudy, and grey,
Shine with a beauty bright.
What is normal?
Is there an exact definition?
What does it look like?
Is it defined as:
Someone who looks like you?
But how can that be,
When everyone is designed differently?
Does it have a common religion?
Or language speak?
Once again, how is that a possibility?
When each person varies,
In faith and speech?
Maybe, perhaps, it is someone who behaves as you?
Once again, this cannot be,
The way they present themselves,
And act publicly,
Could be to show off,
Or due to some disability.
So, I ask this question repeatedly,
What is normal?
The word does not exist,
Except by segregationists
Do you wish to segregate?
And insinuate hate?
No? Then hear my plea,
Let’s erase this word,
From every persons’ mouth,
Erase it from the world’s vocabulary.
What is normal?