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Depression..The silent killer.

It’s officially December and I am not in the Christmas spirit like usual. Usually, I would be going all out with decorations and such, but not this year- maybe lights and that’s it. Due to moving in Jan. We don’t want to have to haul extra stuff than what is needed. Plus, it will be the first Christmas without Mommie, Mr. Mike James, my cousin Racheal Mary Meche, Ms. Nancy Moticka

It has been too much death in one year; not to mention all the other I care about who isn’t around anymore either- My other grandmother (maw), and then one of the most influential women in my life, Mrs. Evelyn Zehner, “Mrs. Z” from Camp we can do. It’s just so hard… I know there are worse people off, but for some reason I just cannot get into the spirit yet this year. Is it because of not decorating much this year, the financial stresses and having to ask mom to loan money for us to buy Christmas gifts until David can find a job? I don’t know. Just tired of always being miserable. I can’t remember the last time I was sincerely happy for more than a few hours.

😥 I don’t know, I just been depressed all day today. Hopefully, I can get out of this funk. Prayers appreciated. I hate it when I get depression.

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A wrecking ball of bad news; my heart broken and demolished into a zillion pieces.

Today, while in the waiting office of my pain management dr, I was scrolling through facebook, when I suddenly saw something that ruined my entire rest of my day; A friend of mine in St Louis, Missouri, Mr. Mike James, passed away overnight.

I met Mr. Mike James in 2012 while I was in halo traction at Shriners Hospital for Children-St Louis; he worked at Cabela’s and the company would come to the hospital once a month for “Cabela’s night” where their volunteers would bring educational things about Native Americans, animal trapping, hunting stuff (no weapons) just pictures or like duck calls. It was a highlight of the month for all of the patients to enjoy.

I was one of the oldest patients there, so the adults would often talk to me about “Where I was from,” “what I liked to do,” “If I had ever been to a Cabelas,” stuff like that, and a few of them got close with me because of my “spunky attitude,” these included Mr. Mike James, his wife Nancy, and our mutual friend Beverly Duval. They were there through it all- my surgery, my recovery until I went home, when I went back for checkups, when Beverly hosted me for a week for spring break, my first boyfriend, and they had just met my fiance’ and he approved of him, even liked him, and planned on attending the wedding next year. Now he’ll just attend in spirit.

One week and a day ago, we were having dinner with you and your wife. One week and a day ago, we were laughing and chatting and catching up, you and my fiance’ were talking “hunting, guns, Trump, politics, all kinds of things.” Plans were made to attend my wedding next year, talks of us thinking of possibly moving near you and your wife, plans for you and my fiance’ to go hunting together. 
Now you are gone, back to heavenly home and everyone left behind are in mourning. 
You were one heck of a guy, Mr. Mike James. I will miss your comments on my facebook, I will miss seeing you when I go up to St Louis. It feels like a bad dream that I cant wake up from. I wish I could just wake up and this nightmare not be real. It feels like someone punched me in the stomach. it feels like a giant lump in my throat. It feels like my heart has shattered into a zillion fragmented pieces. 

😥 RIP Mr. Mike James. I know you def. earned your angel wings. 

❤ Fly High.

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latest update. Remembering Mommie’s birthday, the wake, and the funeral.

My grandmother, Ruby “mommie” Cormier died on Sunday, June 9, 2019; one day before her 89th birthday. I took it hard at first because I had been wanting to do a Youtube tag video with her, but I kept hurting a lot and couldn’t get out there to do it with her, and now I can’t do it because she is gone. I was also upset, because I had always planned for her to be present at my future wedding, when I got all my college degrees, to see me start my own career and chase my dreams, and maybe even eventually see me start a family; well now, she won’t be around for any of those events, not physically anyway. I came to realize though, she is in a better place, she is no longer hurting or suffering from dementia or diabetes. She could truly start living a fun life again.

Yesterday, Monday, June 10, 2019, in honor of her birthday, a lot of the family went out to eat at Pizza Village (one place she loved to eat), Mom made a chocolate cake, and we shared lots of memories, laughter, and of course cake. We even sang “Happy Birthday,” and the other patrons of the restaurant probably thought we were a bunch of weirdos. The younger kids, her great-grand kids, wanted to do a balloon release and so we “sent the balloons up to heaven.”

Today, Tuesday, June 11, 2019, the “wake,” at the funeral home was from 4-8 pm. with a rosary at 5 p.m. It really wasn’t that hard on me today; sure, I got a little choked up during the rosary, but other than that, Again, we shared lots of memories and laughter between families and friends. My younger cousin, Hadley, (4 years old) kept “arresting” my dad and putting him in “han-cuffs.” Adorable kids are always a good distraction from the pain of grieving.

Me: Hadley, you arresting uncle ronald? 
HK: Uh-huh
Me: you know thats my dad, right? 
HK: *Looked worried I was gonna tell her to leave him alone* 
Me: Good Job, Get him. Give me high-five! 
she just giggled and gave me “five” 
(She’s definitely come a long way since Easter two years ago when she would run away from me! lol)

More than likely tomorrow will be the real challenge when they close that casket and we have to leave her. I am gonna try to read what I wrote the other day in dedication to her when she first died…I might get choked up but I will try to do it.

I found an angel pin that I put on her to be buried with, and a picture of me, her, and david from Christmas 2017 when David and I first started dating. Also being buried is a toy cat that supposed to represent “Socks” (her cat she had before she went in the nursing home), and some pictures of her, Hadley, and Hadley’s older brother “Braylon”. Those kids are young, but I hope they know how much their great-grandmother loved them as much as they loved her. <3<3

anyway, good night. Thoughts and prayers with the family for tomorrow is appreciated.

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Update on my grandmother; she passed away. Ode to my grandmother, Mommie

Yesterday, Mom called me and told me that “If I want to go say my final goodbyes to Mommie, I might want to go as soon as I could.” David and I had plans already, but I had an emotional breakdown while at our plans, so we dropped everything and went to see Mommie. She was sedated on morphine, every so often it seemed like her chest would ‘jump’ as if struggling to breathe, her eyes were closed, but they told me she could hear me. I told her “I love you, Mommie. Dad, Mom, Jared, and I love you. David, my fiance loves you.” There were other people in the room, so I just held her hand and thought the other things I wanted to tell her, hoping she could feel them telepathically. As I talked to her and said my silent prayers, holding her hand, she squeezed mine a little bit once or twice. David and I also visited with my aunts in the room about family things to kind of ease the tension a little bit. Mom texted me this morning and told me, Mommie had passed away this morning. Mom and my aunt seem to think, maybe she was holding on for me. maybe she was. I don’t know.

After I found out about her death though, I was inspired to write something up; I may share it at the funeral, I may not. I will try, but I may breakdown half-way through it. Only one way to know for sure: Do it in fear. Fortitude! Only for you, Mommie. Love you.

We are here to remember the life of Ruby “Mommie” Cormier; Sister, Mother, Grandmother, great-grandmother, friend, and child of God. We are also here to remember the love we all shared for her and the fond memories we shared with her: those good memories are what will get us through this tough period as we say our final goodbyes to her Earthly form, but it is only a temporary goodbye; we all hope and pray to see her again when we leave this Earthly life.

My earliest memories of Mommie was about 2 or 3 years old, going almost every weekend when they lived in Lewisburg, Louisiana; she always had a Sippy cup of coffee milk waiting for me, and when Poppee would call me the pet name “Sack of Shit,” (which question, how is that a pet name; but go figure with those Cormiers) Mommie would always argue, “No poppee, she is a sack of sugar.”


I remember her and my nanny (Martha) accompanying us a few times to Shreveport when I was at Shriners Hospital for dr. appointments.  When she moved to the apartments in Lafayette, I remember walking with her to the mailbox and along the way, she would “show me off,” to her neighbors and be all “This is my youngest granddaughter. She’s my baby.” She would brag to anyone who would listen about that time when I was just an infant, “I couldn’t hold my bottle with my arms, so I held them with my feet.” As I got older, I got so “sick” of hearing that story and a little embarrassed when she would tell it to my friends, but I also knew that she was proud of me and had a deep love for me.


Mommie enjoyed many things: going to church, going to a rosary, doing bingo, going to the casino- for her 80th birthday, Mom even made her a cake that looked like a slot machine! She also loved her coffee and beignets. She sure enjoyed when we would take her to coffee depot in Scott, Louisiana for beignets and coffee; That was one of her “elements,” Coffee, beignets, and socializing with family and the waitresses at the restaurant who happened to know the family.


In 2012, when in St. Louis for Halo Traction, she came to spend a week with me. The first night she got turned around and I ended up having to walk her downstairs, to the parent housing side of the hospital. The whole walk she kept apologizing, but I was all “Mommie, it’s okay. The hospital is pretty confusing. I just learned it because I been here for almost 3 months.”


During 2016, when Trump was running election, which she was all “go trump,” and don’t get me wrong, I am not anti-Trump, I may not agree with everything he does but he is human, but anyway, we were talking and she must’ve just remembered Poppee’s last few good years because I heard stories in his younger days, he wasn’t that great of a person, but Mommee was all “If Poppee was still alive, he’d make a good president.” I swear, I nearly choked on my drink and did a spit-take when she said that. I think that was my first clue that she was starting to get dementia a little bit. But it was kind of good that she only remembered the good side of him too.  She didn’t hold onto anger and hurt from the bad years. Or maybe she just forgave him, I don’t know. If it was just her forgiveness of all the hurt he had caused her in the past, then that is proof of the good person she was and I am almost definite she got her angel wings.


She also took in others besides her family; she took in Mom’s family- we often took her to family get-togethers at Moms family- she loved all the little kids and would love on them. She took in my friends as if her own grandkids and when they called her, “Mrs. Cormier,” she would correct them “No, it’s Mommie.” She would sit and have coffee with neighbors at her apartment complex, even those that had slight mental disabilities (one guy in particular, which I cannot remember his name at the moment.) She was also a huge animal lover, as proof of her playing with my dogs when she would come to visit, and she loved her cat, Socks; until Mommie had to go into the nursing home and we had to re-home Socks. She even took in my (now ex-boyfriend) when we were dating, and she even accepted my now-fiance’ David, who she loved to give lots of kisses on the cheek to, and he loved them back. She was a very sweet, loving lady, but boy if you got on her “shit list,” look out, she stood her ground. I guess that’s where I got that from! HAHA!


She was just an overall loving person and genuinely very happy until dementia started in and it affected her mood and perspective at times, but before dementia, she was a great model of what we should strive to live our lives as.


Sure, I had plans for her to be at future events: when I got married, got my bachelors/masters/ or whatever other college degrees, see me start my own career and chase my dreams, possibly see me have a family of my own; but sadly, life is never promised to pan out how we want, and sure, I will miss her being in attendance physically at these major events, but she will always be there in spirit and in my heart.

Bright side is I now have another angel, looking out for me. Love you, Mommie.

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A body like a rollercoaster poem-(old piece)

A Body Like a RollerCoaster:

               A body likes a rollercoaster

Lots of twists and turns,

A winding track,

Many different options to explore,

Many different twists of the curves,

Twisting one way,

 going up a giant incline,

Slowly climbing up, up, up, to the very top,

It can be quite a tiring experience; that long trek

Then the scary part, the drop!

You drop down,

going faster and faster,

gaining speed as you drop down the tracks

Another twist in the tracks,

 then a loop upside down,

You start screaming!

               With lots of ups and downs,

“Bumps, stumbles, and falls,”

“bruises and scars,”

Not just physically,

The “rider” (patient) can also be traumatically scarred too,

Turning life upside down,

Like loops on a rollercoaster,

Making the victim,

The patient, plagued with this disorder

The limiting disability known as Scoliosis,

 scream and cry,

tired and emotionally drained,

“Let me off now,

Before I die.”