Depression..The silent killer.

It’s officially December and I am not in the Christmas spirit like usual. Usually, I would be going all out with decorations and such, but not this year- maybe lights and that’s it. Due to moving in Jan. We don’t want to have to haul extra stuff than what is needed. Plus, it will be the first Christmas without Mommie, Mr. Mike James, my cousin Racheal Mary Meche, Ms. Nancy Moticka

It has been too much death in one year; not to mention all the other I care about who isn’t around anymore either- My other grandmother (maw), and then one of the most influential women in my life, Mrs. Evelyn Zehner, “Mrs. Z” from Camp we can do. It’s just so hard… I know there are worse people off, but for some reason I just cannot get into the spirit yet this year. Is it because of not decorating much this year, the financial stresses and having to ask mom to loan money for us to buy Christmas gifts until David can find a job? I don’t know. Just tired of always being miserable. I can’t remember the last time I was sincerely happy for more than a few hours.

😥 I don’t know, I just been depressed all day today. Hopefully, I can get out of this funk. Prayers appreciated. I hate it when I get depression.

Rewrite the stars- Greatest Showman song- relates to my relationship with my fiance’

Last night, I was on my pain meds and as usual the drugs made me a sappy, hormonal, emotional wreck; especially when all they do is make me tired and don’t actually help my pain, and as tired as I am, I cannot get comfy enough to actually go to sleep- which causes me to become irritable, frustrated, and emotional. Warning: Below, is how I feel on those kinds of days. You’ve been warned.

Don’t get me wrong, I do absolutely love my fiance’ and most of the time I cannot absolutely at all fathom my life without him, but on my really bad pain days when I am cooped up in the house on pain meds and can’t stand my own life, I relate to Zendaya’s lyrics of the song.

He is so positive and confident about us, and I am like that girl (because of my age difference and looking like a kid, and my disability- the “mountains,” and “doors can’t walk through”) and what the world thinks. and just waiting for him to realize that it is hopeless and impossible for us to truly be happy together. I am always thinking “he didn’t sign on for all these issues: Me hurting all the time, me lashing out at him because I am hurting and frustrated; because I’m irritable.. How can I expect him to love me when I don’t even love myself?”

Maybe he’ll teach me a thing or two, or maybe if I have such idle time, pay attention to the negativity.
It’s a lot of self-esteem issues and idle time, pain meds causing depression, being bullied from a very young age (5 years old)- it’s hard to escape the “voices” of my past, but I am working hard on it because I do love him and I know he loves me.

“Who is Jamie?” Poem

All my life, I would like to say,

I was a “normal” child

Could run and do all the activities like the others,

In p.e.

But that would be a lie.

Sure, I went to P.E., with my fellow peers,

But that was only two days a week.

                Rest of the time, I was segregated,

To a “special” Adapted P.E.

                Don’t get me wrong, I loved the adapted P.E.,

But when you already know you are different than your friends,

You don’t want,

Another sign or “special treatment”,

That proves it.

                You long to be “normal,” but no;

Sit on the sidelines, walk the track…

While the other kids run and tackle,

Coaches and teaches,

 Fearing you bruising and the possibility of parents suing.

“Can’t do this, Can’t do that, oh be careful! Don’t hurt yourself!”

Why are these warnings only given to me?

Why not Jared, Josh, or Malorie?

                Even now, as an adult,

I still let people,

Who I trust, and think know better than I,

Make decisions for my life.

                I lie, and say it’s just for advice,

Because if they knew the truth,

They’d just say something along the lines,

“Stay true to you.”

                How can I do that?

When All my life,

I have had others,

Telling me what to do,

Never letting me,

Test the waters or learn from mistakes,

Okay, there were mistakes I could still learn,

But really, how can it be, me An Adult?

 When I have no strong standing,

Or sense of self.

but, in all honesty,

Who is Jamie? 

“Inner Struggles” Poem

Look into my eyes, 

can you see my soul? 

the dream I hold inside;

Longing to be accepted,

for everything I am,

All I Believe and hold dear,

and no longer have this burder,

the side of me that I hide, 

Longing for release and freedom, 

and my dreams to take flight. 

The girl longing to break free, 

this curse,

feelings of not good enough,

inadequacy, and self-consciousness,

scared and shy, 

to take the stage, 

and follow her heart. 

Dreams of being able, 

to sing from her heart and soul, 

and to dance with the passion that burns inside, 

To feel beautiful, 

to see her beauty, 

her talents, 

and all that she is,

except in her own eyes, 

To stand there, in the mirror, 

and finally, see her personality, 

the raw beauty inside, 

shine through.

So annoyed with rude people…

I had my go fund me page since Jan or Feb. people have been generous and I thank them (especially the author of “Wonder” who generously donated $1000.) However, I share it constantly on all my social media platforms and a few people share it, but today made me so sick to my stomach.

I shared it a group on for people with similar disabilities and one of the members felt it was her responsibility to “set me straight.” – Evidence down below: Sally Hockman is a snooty and rude individual. She doesn’t know my story. She doesn’t know what I deal with on a daily basis. “Many people have broken beg for money,” but do these people happen to have great health insurance or doctors who take no matter the state? ….some people aren’t lucky!

The latest “Twisted Tale” in my journey called life; Surgery coming up fast!!!!

so the latest on my back: I saw dr. Kelly today. He is very optimistic. His plan is if my rods aren’t infected (we did labs), he says he will just open the incision scar where my rods are broken at, clean up my wound, and add in some “dominoes” and add in some extender rods.” It will be “Simple and sweet,” as he put it. 

:p The date is the same, August 14, but I need to be here by the 12th because I need to go to get my central line valve put in on the 13th. If he does what he wants, “simple and sweet,” he doesn’t think I will have as many complications like I did last time bc last time I had broken ribs and pneumonia from that which led to trach, blah blah blah…the framework already there, this is just some maintenance repair! LMAO. 
But whatever God’s will, will be done. 

Share my go fund me please!!! https://www.gofundme.com/jamie-has-broken-rods-and-other-problems-occurring

anxiety, tears, adorable kids, and pizza; My “Today”

Today was not great of a day except for one little event during the middle of the day. I had gotten a ticket from Build-a-bear for the “Pay your age,” event and was able to take my “future nieces” (older one being 9 years old and the baby, 9 months.) However, earlier that day was not great. 

It started by my 9-year-old “future niece,” going to get the mail at my apartment mailbox; I got a letter from St Louis billing department saying that I was “denied,” hardship assistance and didn’t meet the national poverty requirement (how is not having health insurance besides Louisiana Medicaid, and only living on SSI and food stamps, not poverty?) – side note: called and talked to someone and got it straightened out, after I had already had my anxiety panic attack because “I need this surgery but I don’t wanna go into debt and cause my family and friends to go into debt for it.” However, I had to put that anxiety attack away to go enjoy the build-a-bear event with my fiance’, his sister, her husband, and the two children. 

The older sister got a “Siamese looking” cat that she named Melody and their mom picked out an adorable bear and put in a “giggle sound,” that made my 9-month-old “future niece,” smile at; we named the bear Giggles. We probably spent more than we wanted to- because if we’d done just the stuffies with no sounds or accessories, it’d have only been $10, but we got each a sound (Melody had a cat sound and the Giggles had the giggle sound effect) so add in $9 more dollars, and then each got one accessory- the cat got a purse, and I don’t remember what the baby got for hers.) The total was $31 something, so $31-$19= the two accessories costing $12 together so about $5 or $6 each. We covered about $10-15 each. It was worth it. I got to forget my anxiety and play with my “future nieces” especially the cute baby. LOL. I love them both, but adorable babies (when not crying and screaming) seem to make the world go right and make you forget your stress, whereas an older child who may not be able to entertain herself that well, may stress you more.)

After Build-a-bear, we went to eat at Cici’s pizza buffet. It was okay. I watched them feed the baby pieces of brownie and how she made that adorable smile at the taste of the chocolatey goodness, and my 9-year-old “future niece,” wanted me to sit by her. She tells me all the time she loves me, she constantly hugs me and wants my attention. She doesn’t seek that from her uncle; she’s even gone as far as to tell the family, “If DJ and Jamie break up, can we keep Jamie instead?” to which the family always corrects her, “aunty Jamie,” and I’m just thinking “don’t force her to call me something if it doesn’t feel natural to her. she doesn’t call DJ, “Uncle DJ,”  LOL.  

After Cici’s pizza buffet, we departed ways; they were going see a Movie at the theater where my fiance’ brother in law worked at; I think it was only so the 9-year-old wouldn’t beg to stay longer with me and her uncle at the apartment complex, because at the Build-a-bear thing, when we were leaving, she kept saying, “I wish I didn’t have to go home. I wanna stay longer with yall.” Which broke my heart having to be stern and tell her “no,” because she needed to get back and do her Homeschool SchoolWork and plus I didn’t feel that I could entertain her properly: I was still stressing about that letter, in the back of my mind. I told her, we’d try to get her again before I have my surgery in August. 

When I got home, I finally had gotten in touch with someone in billing to discuss the letter about being “denied,” financial assistance. They explained that despite it being out of state Medicaid, they were still going to try to file with them, so currently, my balance showed $0.00. The department explained that if Medicaid denies the claim and if I get another bill, just to call them back and explain how I got another bill, and to reprocess my application for financial assistance. So all that anxiety and worry and my panic attack, were basically for nothing because I am not completely “denied,” just denied if Medicaid accepts the claim. I hate how they word the letters, it makes worry creep in. Mom said it was a lesson I need to learn because if I want a family, I can’t be freaking out like that all the time. She also explained how I am not alone in this “battle,” for my obstacles and stuff with my disabilities, I have family, friends, David, his family, etc. But overall that it is the devil playing with me and doesn’t want me to trust in God my father and savior. I need to tell him, “be gone, Satan. My God, my father, loves me and I am wonderfully made for a purpose. He has led me this far for a reason.” 

I will try to do better to trust in my God and savior, my loving father, my almighty creator. Amen.

Also when I got home, it started raining so of course, my back started hurting, so I took a 3-hour nap on Pain meds. After waking up, my stomach decided to reject the pizza (I am guessing it was the pizza: my abdomen was swollen, I was bloated and cramping so bad that it sent pain into my sides, my sides of my abdomen were sensitive to touch, and the really bad cramps left me short of breath. It is slowly getting relief after Tums and Pepto Bismol and just time.

Sometimes I wish my life was easy, but God never promised an easy life- Thank you, Adam and Eve, for original sin messing everything up; if they wouldn’t have given in to the serpent’s temptations, we’d all be happy and carefree, running around butt- naked in the Garden of Eden and not knowing any pain or difference. No bullying, no stress, no strife. *Sigh* Paradise lost. However, we are not alone, Jesus, God’s only son, had to die on the cross for crimes he didn’t commit. He suffered, why should we be any better than him and not have to suffer? the answer is, we shouldn’t. Anyway, I am rambling now. Goodnight, God Bless, and try to find the silver lining 🙂