Tag: moods

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Disability update- Scoliosis Update: St Louis check up appointment

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 On September 22, 2020, I had my appointment with Dr. M Kelly at CAM Center in St Louis, Missouri. He didn’t seem too worried about the broken rod at this time. the rod is broke but it’s still got some support from other rods and such, we not doing anything at this time (if rod gets worse or something, then we’ll see our options. Not really wanting to go back in at this time because the wound I had previously s finally behaved and “quiet.” So he’s like “let the sleeping dog lie,” to which I translated “don’t poke the bear” and he agreed.The “rod pain.” Is not rod bc the broken rod is on other side of my back, but it’s probably “muscles” or nerve pain instead. Which thinking back after my surgery in 2012 I did have similar pain but this round feels worse than last time. Idk. Maybe my fall made it worse..idk. 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️ anyway that’s the update.

other than that it was a great visit. I spent over a week (September 20- September 29) at a friend’s house; her family tried to convince us to move out there. LOL.

In other news, even though the infection has cleared up in my back, they still want me on infection meds. Also in other news, the rib pain that used to plague me before I had that wound issue start (after 2012 until the wound started,) is back. UGH. wish that would’ve stayed away.

Still no word from the geneticist about an appointment for my EDS- UGH!

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disability journey: Broken rods – facing my parents and such…

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 As we are aware, I had re-broke my spinal fusion rods and was dreading facing my parents about it. This weekend, my parents came in off the truck. As soon as they saw me, Dad asked “what happened to your forehead” because that was the first thing he noticed. “Well, you see, there was a incident in the backyard on the steps. I fell…and re-broke my rods.” They didn’t look happy, but didn’t say anything, later they mellowed out and we joked about it. Then I gave them some candy bars I had bought at the store on Thursday after the incident, before they came in, with the joke to David, “I’ll get their favorite candy bars so when I deliver the bad news about my rods, it will be less of a blow…Like…’look, I got yall favorite candy, oh by the way, my rods are re-broke. Oh just eat your candy bars before you reply.” hahaha. To which I recounted that story to them and they laughed. I am so lucky to have understanding and supportive parents with good senses of humor. 🙂 #Blessed. 

I also sent the Xrays to Dr. Kelly on friday through “snail mail” with post office saying it should be delivered/recieved on monday. So I will call monday to tell his office and hopefully by tuesday or wed, I will have some news on what Dr. Kelly had to say. I also hope I hear from the genetics doctor soon as well. 

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Disability Journey: Broken rods again..What does it mean?

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As we know, my rods are broken once again, but until Dr. Kelly receives my Xrays from OGH and I hear back from him and go to my appointment in Septemeber, we do not know what will happen. Will I have another surgery? More than likely- I mean my rods can’t stay broken. What does that mean?  Well, more than likely it means another surgery, recovery all over again, push back college again, postpone the wedding again, having to raise money or apply for hardship case again since St Louis Barnes Jewish doesn’t take out of state Medicaid, and the talks of David and I starting a Food truck business will also be put on the backburner. 

I am tired of the rods breaking; this is the 2nd time! Maybe I should just put myself in a plastic bubble or “ground myself” permanently into a wheelchair and say “Fuck walking” – maybe I won’t injure myself, since I can’t seem to not be a klutz. I don’t know what the answer is. 

I am just dreading it. Dreading facing my parents about it, dreading facing doctor kelly about it, I know accidents happen, but I feel like I am a disappointment and let everyone down even though I did everything right this time: I didn’t get on inflatables again (I learned my lesson from last time), I was cautious when picking up on my niece or stuff, I was cautious and didn’t bend- instead I squatted or got on my hands and knees,) and yet, I still broke my rods. I wonder if my Ehlers Danlos has something to do with it? Hmm. Guess that’s a question for when I do see that EDS genetics doctor. 

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disability Journey: Thought of the day- Medications and side effects…

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 thought of the day…8/10/2020

like for real why do medications cause side effects? Like pain meds help with pain but in the same token, you might end up adding in depression, anxiety, mood swings, agitation,etc. (to which I already have some.)

so it’s like okay..do I wanna deal with pain and possibly just cry to the point of wanting suicide…or do I take the pain medication and stop the pain, but end up depressed or miserable and still wanting suicide for a different reason other than pain- because of emotional impulses and acting like a toddler throwing a tantrum? hmmm.

oh and then lets not forget when I am on pain meds but not sleeping, I tend to “go down the rabbit hole” and spiral emotionally- like right now, I am convinced I have Borderline Personality Disorder.

guess the saying is true, “Idle time is the devil’s playground.”