Category: anger

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disability Journey: Thought of the day- Medications and side effects…

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 thought of the day…8/10/2020

like for real why do medications cause side effects? Like pain meds help with pain but in the same token, you might end up adding in depression, anxiety, mood swings, agitation,etc. (to which I already have some.)

so it’s like okay..do I wanna deal with pain and possibly just cry to the point of wanting suicide…or do I take the pain medication and stop the pain, but end up depressed or miserable and still wanting suicide for a different reason other than pain- because of emotional impulses and acting like a toddler throwing a tantrum? hmmm.

oh and then lets not forget when I am on pain meds but not sleeping, I tend to “go down the rabbit hole” and spiral emotionally- like right now, I am convinced I have Borderline Personality Disorder.

guess the saying is true, “Idle time is the devil’s playground.”

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Very rough Emotional day

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technically it started last night. It was a bad pain night and I couldn’t sleep. I stayed up till 2 in the morning before sleep finally overpowered me.

I slept on and off. Woke up to feed the cats, stayed up a bit, went back to bed and slept again. had joint and head pain most of the day.

Then the icing on the “crap cake” of the day-

poor david just witnessed a “Jamie Disability Meltdown” Adventure

it started with him asking me to put mayo and mustard on his bread for his hotdogs while he was microwaving the hotdogs…so I did it my way, on the plate and just spreading it with butterknife.

David: why you don’t hold a bread in one hand and use the knife to spread with the other hand?

Jamie:(a bit sarcastic/snarky) because if I hold it in one hand, it doesn’t hold flat, ill squeeze/bend my hand and then you will have squished bread..

David: you can’t hold your hand flat?
Jamie: (again, snarky/sarcastic) No, I cant. its called Ehlers Danlos..remember..that thing I have that makes my joints loose and weak.

David: come here. I’ll show you.
Jamie: (getting annoyed and flustered because I been living with this 29 years, does this dude seriously not think I’ve tried multiple ways to do things?) No. *voice starting to shake and fists start to clench*

David: come on Jamie, just try my way.
Jamie: (finally breaks down and flood gates open) David, I’ve had this shit 29 years, I’ve tried every way I can think of. This was the easiest way.

David: okay. okay. I wasn’t teasing you. *trying to hug me*

Jamie: I know. But still, if you had something for all your life and parents who taught you to be as independent to the best of your abilities, you think I’d just give up? no. this was the easiest and most accessible way for me.

David: I didn’t know. I only been with you 3 years. calm down. its okay. i still love you, you’re still beautiful. calm down. you gonna give yourself a headache.

Jamie: *sniffles and trying to calm down* I already had one to begin with.

————————–
hey if he wants to be future husband of someone with a disability, he might as well see all the ugly sides too. 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️ he wasn’t there for the 2012 episodes-poor mom had those episodes and she didn’t trigger them…she was just in the “crossfire” lol

and then later on another incident involving David happened: we tried to make waffles breakfast for dinner but no cooking spray, so tried to use regular cooking oil, but they stuck and didn’t cooperate so I was put back in that “i can’t do nothing right.” Mood.

I hate days like this where my disability and the side-effects of it, feel like the world is closing in around me and I cant breathe. *sigh* just another day. Things will get better. Tomorrow is another day.

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Thoughts of the day

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Thoughts of the day…I love all my friends no matter their race, nationality, religion, political beliefs, etc. if you are my friend.(Except if you are racists, ableists- have negative thoughts about disabled people, etc.) We may not always see eye to eye on everything, heck we might even debate some things, but if we are true friends and mature adults, we can still remain true friends through all that- And as long as we respect each others views and don’t try to force our views down each others throats. .) I will always care about my friends even the ones I am not close with anymore. They are still in my memories and my heart, and If anything happens to ANY of my friends, you can bet, I will be there for them and their family. If someone hurts them or worse, I will seek vengeance for them. Hell hath no fury like a “Momma hen” type friend. I hit, kick, claw, and will beat people with a bat to defend my friends and family and singing “Someone gonna get their ass kicked today” LMAO. #UnitedWeStand #DividedWeFall

Some of my best friends are different race or nationality than me and they are some of the best friends I could ever ask for. They love and support me and my dreams no matter what. If anyone was to be racists to them, I’d be so angry and defend them, especially if I was right there and witnessed it- I’d probably get in the offender’s face and tell them off or worse- hit,kick, claw, punch, slap, maybe even beat to a pulp with a baseball bat- But I’d do that for all my friends and family, I am very protective of my loved ones and hate to see them hurt; whether it be physically, mentally, or emotionally.

Its 2020, and the world is still in chaos with discrimination and racism, hatred and anger, so much division. We need to come together and make the world a better place for future generations, because right now as much as I want to be a mother, I do not want to bring a child into all this violence, crime, and hatred in the world; Children cant even have childhoods anymore and are forced to grow up too fast in this world. 😦 We must do better for our children and our children’s children and generations to come!

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Life Journey: Jr High, Lowes Trip, Sassy teen, Angry dads; oh my!!

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In Jr. High was the time I back-sassed my dad in Lowe’s. First, let me explain that I was grouchy because I didn’t want to be there, to begin with, but yet I was forced to go with him. We were at checkout and we had roach spray, along with many mouse/rat traps. The clerk said some statement about: “you must have a mouse problem?” I replied: “Oh, yes! A lot!” My dad replied: “Jamie, we don’t have a problem; just an occasional mouse or two from the field next door.” But of course, Jamie with the big blabbermouth didn’t shut up until dad growing frustrated told me “Jamie, Stop.” Well, I was mad that he cut me off from telling my stories, plus the fact he forced me to come anyway. Once dad had paid for the stuff, he asked me to carry the bag, to which I replied: “Why can’t you do it; I’m not your slave.” Oh, you should have seen the vein in his temple throb, and his face turn red; I knew I had crossed the line: “No daddy, I’m sorry; don’t whip me!” as loud as I could in Lowe’s, not realizing that if anyone heard him, they could report him for “child abuse,” when he was just disciplining his child. Boy, was my dad embarrassed and furious! I think if my child ever did that to me, I would have whipped them when we got in the car! I was so scared that I didn’t get into the front passenger seat, instead, I got into the backseat on the floorboard; trying to avoid my Dad’s wrath! (He still loves to hold this story over my head! LOL)