another sleepless night; chronic pain and tears.

A bad storm passed through Louisiana this week so it has been quite a bit of sleepless nights for me lately and then add in the dreaded once a month bullshit us females have to deal with, adding in stress, anxiety, hormones, emotional roller coaster, all that (sarcastic tone) “fun.” Tonight, I tossed and turned for 2 hours while my fiance’ just lays next to me snoring; sure, I could wake him up and make him suffer with me, but that is selfish plus he works to provide for us, so I guess he needs the sleep more than I do, but it sure would be nice to be able to talk these things out instead of blogging them.

I have a mattress that can elevate the head, it helps with migraines and sometimes my upper back (then I gotta deal with my lower back and hips hurting), but tonight my upper back is hurting and I am not even gonna use the head-elevation because lately it has been making my fiance’ back hurt in the morning; which sent me down the dreaded “rabbit hole” of the uncertainty of a future together: What if I become bed-ridden, what if he has to help me with everything more than he does now? That isn’t what he signed on for! It isn’t fair to him. I know he made a commitment to me and he constantly reminds me of it anytime I start crying and freaking out about how much pain I am in and the fears that sends into me about how uncertain my life and future are; I just don’t want him to have regrets or resentments. I love him, I really do, but when these fears kick in, I go into flight mode and tend to push him away, thinking I am saving him from being stuck in a sucky future with me and my damn disability. How can I expect him to accept it and what it does to me, if I cant even accept it completely myself?

If there was a pill created to make me “normal,” like everyone else in society, I would take it! Even though I also feel like having my disability has made me a well-rounded, wise, empathetic, compassionate, supportive, loyal, passionate person. Does it make me a bad person? Why is it I can be a support system and cheerleader for others with disabilities but yet I cant even accept myself completely? Does it make me a hypocrite? Maybe its just the pain talking; well the pain and the damn devil. I need to really work on myself and loving myself for me; whole-y and completely. Maybe after my surgery to fix my rods, maybe my pain will be better, and I can start being happy again. One can only hope.

Gypsy-Rose Blanchard…hardened Criminal or victim that fell through the cracks? – March 2019

If you don’t know who Gypsy Rose is by now, you must be living under a rock or don’t watch any media; between the Dr. Phil interview with Gypsy in 2017, Hulu’s recent docu-series “The Act,” HBO’s documentary “Mommy Dead and Dearest,” etc.
Gypsy Rose was the girl who had many “disorders” and “life-threatening conditions,” according to her mother, Dee-Dee Blanchard. They received donations,free housing, trips, etc. due to Gypsy’s “conditions.” Only things aren’t what they appear.
Gypsy was a victim of Munchausen Syndrome by Proxy. Her mother, Dee-Dee, forced Gypsy into a wheelchair by the time the girl was 7 years old and subjected Gypsy to many unnecessary invasive operations and procedures. She had Gypsy on a feeding tube and mixed many medications into the tube. Some of the medications side effects simulated the symptoms of some of the disorders that Dee-Dee claimed Gypsy suffered from.
Dee-Dee also never left Gypsy alone with anyone. She told people Gypsy was mild-moderate mentally retarded” and had the mind of a “seven years old,” I think was what was said. She coached Gypsy to not say a word at doctor checkups, and despite CPS investigating Gypsy was too scared and coached to reach out.
By her teen years, she began sneaking around when her mom was asleep. She knew she could walk and would sneak around at night, eating sugary treats and drinks despite her mom saying “Gypsy is allergic to sugar,” (why then would it be in the house is my question), and Gypsy would sneak makeup tutorials, research kissing, boys, etc. She made a fake Facebook and created a dating profile. She eventually met and secretly texted guys. She just wanted a normal life away from her mother’s control. Eventually, she met and convinced Nick Godejohn, her secret online boyfriend, to help kill her mother.

She was desperate. How would you feel? Knowing you were perfectly healthy, knowing you could walk, knowing that if you disobeyed how your controlling mom wanted, she’d react in anger and sometimes be physical?

Gypsy got 10 years on a Second Degree Murder Charge. The system failed her, she would run away, but her mom would track her down and sometimes tied her to the bed. Her mom charmed and lied. From the outside, she seemed like “Number one Mom,” because she seemed so attentive to Gypsy’s needs, but really she was a monster and abused the girl into lying.
Yes, Gypsy did plan to murder her mom, but to be honest, no telling what those meds did for years to mess up her mentality, plus the “lines of morality” were blurred by her putting on this charade for so long.
Frankly, Gypsy is a victim of the system. She needs therapy and mental help from the psychological and emotional abuse that she went through at the hands of her mother who is supposed to have been her protector not her tormentor. Gypsywas desperate and it was the only way she saw she could escape her mother’s clutches.
Please sign the change.org petition, https://www.change.org/p/missouri-governor-free-gypsy-rose-blanchard/psf/share?share=1 Because she doesn’t belong in prison. She was a victim.