my fiance knows how to irk me and push my buttons but I still love him ❤
Today was not great of a day except for one little event during the middle of the day. I had gotten a ticket from Build-a-bear for the “Pay your age,” event and was able to take my “future nieces” (older one being 9 years old and the baby, 9 months.) However, earlier that day was not great.
It started by my 9-year-old “future niece,” going to get the mail at my apartment mailbox; I got a letter from St Louis billing department saying that I was “denied,” hardship assistance and didn’t meet the national poverty requirement (how is not having health insurance besides Louisiana Medicaid, and only living on SSI and food stamps, not poverty?) – side note: called and talked to someone and got it straightened out, after I had already had my anxiety panic attack because “I need this surgery but I don’t wanna go into debt and cause my family and friends to go into debt for it.” However, I had to put that anxiety attack away to go enjoy the build-a-bear event with my fiance’, his sister, her husband, and the two children.
The older sister got a “Siamese looking” cat that she named Melody and their mom picked out an adorable bear and put in a “giggle sound,” that made my 9-month-old “future niece,” smile at; we named the bear Giggles. We probably spent more than we wanted to- because if we’d done just the stuffies with no sounds or accessories, it’d have only been $10, but we got each a sound (Melody had a cat sound and the Giggles had the giggle sound effect) so add in $9 more dollars, and then each got one accessory- the cat got a purse, and I don’t remember what the baby got for hers.) The total was $31 something, so $31-$19= the two accessories costing $12 together so about $5 or $6 each. We covered about $10-15 each. It was worth it. I got to forget my anxiety and play with my “future nieces” especially the cute baby. LOL. I love them both, but adorable babies (when not crying and screaming) seem to make the world go right and make you forget your stress, whereas an older child who may not be able to entertain herself that well, may stress you more.)
After Build-a-bear, we went to eat at Cici’s pizza buffet. It was okay. I watched them feed the baby pieces of brownie and how she made that adorable smile at the taste of the chocolatey goodness, and my 9-year-old “future niece,” wanted me to sit by her. She tells me all the time she loves me, she constantly hugs me and wants my attention. She doesn’t seek that from her uncle; she’s even gone as far as to tell the family, “If DJ and Jamie break up, can we keep Jamie instead?” to which the family always corrects her, “aunty Jamie,” and I’m just thinking “don’t force her to call me something if it doesn’t feel natural to her. she doesn’t call DJ, “Uncle DJ,” LOL.
After Cici’s pizza buffet, we departed ways; they were going see a Movie at the theater where my fiance’ brother in law worked at; I think it was only so the 9-year-old wouldn’t beg to stay longer with me and her uncle at the apartment complex, because at the Build-a-bear thing, when we were leaving, she kept saying, “I wish I didn’t have to go home. I wanna stay longer with yall.” Which broke my heart having to be stern and tell her “no,” because she needed to get back and do her Homeschool SchoolWork and plus I didn’t feel that I could entertain her properly: I was still stressing about that letter, in the back of my mind. I told her, we’d try to get her again before I have my surgery in August.
When I got home, I finally had gotten in touch with someone in billing to discuss the letter about being “denied,” financial assistance. They explained that despite it being out of state Medicaid, they were still going to try to file with them, so currently, my balance showed $0.00. The department explained that if Medicaid denies the claim and if I get another bill, just to call them back and explain how I got another bill, and to reprocess my application for financial assistance. So all that anxiety and worry and my panic attack, were basically for nothing because I am not completely “denied,” just denied if Medicaid accepts the claim. I hate how they word the letters, it makes worry creep in. Mom said it was a lesson I need to learn because if I want a family, I can’t be freaking out like that all the time. She also explained how I am not alone in this “battle,” for my obstacles and stuff with my disabilities, I have family, friends, David, his family, etc. But overall that it is the devil playing with me and doesn’t want me to trust in God my father and savior. I need to tell him, “be gone, Satan. My God, my father, loves me and I am wonderfully made for a purpose. He has led me this far for a reason.”
I will try to do better to trust in my God and savior, my loving father, my almighty creator. Amen.
Also when I got home, it started raining so of course, my back started hurting, so I took a 3-hour nap on Pain meds. After waking up, my stomach decided to reject the pizza (I am guessing it was the pizza: my abdomen was swollen, I was bloated and cramping so bad that it sent pain into my sides, my sides of my abdomen were sensitive to touch, and the really bad cramps left me short of breath. It is slowly getting relief after Tums and Pepto Bismol and just time.
Sometimes I wish my life was easy, but God never promised an easy life- Thank you, Adam and Eve, for original sin messing everything up; if they wouldn’t have given in to the serpent’s temptations, we’d all be happy and carefree, running around butt- naked in the Garden of Eden and not knowing any pain or difference. No bullying, no stress, no strife. *Sigh* Paradise lost. However, we are not alone, Jesus, God’s only son, had to die on the cross for crimes he didn’t commit. He suffered, why should we be any better than him and not have to suffer? the answer is, we shouldn’t. Anyway, I am rambling now. Goodnight, God Bless, and try to find the silver lining 🙂
Today I had my monthly appointment with pain management doctor in Vidalia, Louisiana. At my last appointment, they did a bone density test; today they went over the results and it turns out I am developing Osteoporosis. They did not say where it was developing and I was too in shock to ask. I have it written down for next month’s appointment. The doctors are starting me on Fosamax to increase my bone density and hopefully help to where I am not as “brittle” for surgery time in August.
In other news, we have my fiance’s niece for a couple days at the apartment. 🙂 she is always a pretty good distraction for my pain. Tonight, we made tacos for supper 🙂 Another good bit of news is my fiance and I will start praying the rosary together every night and gonna start going back to church on sundays #RelationshipsWithGodlastLonger 🙂
We had nothing left in the fridge and around noon I started to get hungry. I quickly seasoned up some chicken breasts and cut them into bite size pieces, put some oil in the skillet and grilled/sauteed some chicken despite already having planned a meal for supper with chicken- Baked Chicken Parmesan. Oh well. David didn’t complain and both meals came out good. I’ll probably defrost some ground meat to make tacos Tuesday night.
Now, my joints ache and everything hurts, not just from being on my feet cooking, but also we have some rain predicted for later and that affects my body as well. Just another average day in my life.
Maintenance came out to fix the A/c issue, but the water soaked some of the bedroom carpets and even into the closet on David’s side. The maintenance people had us move stuff out of David’s side of the closet, and are gonna blow-dry the carpet and spray some type of chemical to prevent molding.
I don’t know what God is trying to tell us/teach us, but, I could’ve really done without the moving stuff around workout today when I was already hurting, but oh well, That is life. It isn’t always as we expect/plan.
I hope and pray that they are able to fix it to the point of no molding, and we are able to get our deposit back when we move out of the apartments.
A bad storm passed through Louisiana this week so it has been quite a bit of sleepless nights for me lately and then add in the dreaded once a month bullshit us females have to deal with, adding in stress, anxiety, hormones, emotional roller coaster, all that (sarcastic tone) “fun.” Tonight, I tossed and turned for 2 hours while my fiance’ just lays next to me snoring; sure, I could wake him up and make him suffer with me, but that is selfish plus he works to provide for us, so I guess he needs the sleep more than I do, but it sure would be nice to be able to talk these things out instead of blogging them.
I have a mattress that can elevate the head, it helps with migraines and sometimes my upper back (then I gotta deal with my lower back and hips hurting), but tonight my upper back is hurting and I am not even gonna use the head-elevation because lately it has been making my fiance’ back hurt in the morning; which sent me down the dreaded “rabbit hole” of the uncertainty of a future together: What if I become bed-ridden, what if he has to help me with everything more than he does now? That isn’t what he signed on for! It isn’t fair to him. I know he made a commitment to me and he constantly reminds me of it anytime I start crying and freaking out about how much pain I am in and the fears that sends into me about how uncertain my life and future are; I just don’t want him to have regrets or resentments. I love him, I really do, but when these fears kick in, I go into flight mode and tend to push him away, thinking I am saving him from being stuck in a sucky future with me and my damn disability. How can I expect him to accept it and what it does to me, if I cant even accept it completely myself?
If there was a pill created to make me “normal,” like everyone else in society, I would take it! Even though I also feel like having my disability has made me a well-rounded, wise, empathetic, compassionate, supportive, loyal, passionate person. Does it make me a bad person? Why is it I can be a support system and cheerleader for others with disabilities but yet I cant even accept myself completely? Does it make me a hypocrite? Maybe its just the pain talking; well the pain and the damn devil. I need to really work on myself and loving myself for me; whole-y and completely. Maybe after my surgery to fix my rods, maybe my pain will be better, and I can start being happy again. One can only hope.
Once upon a time, there was a young woman named Jamie. Jamie thought she would die alone because she wasn’t normal; she had many medical disabilities and low self-esteem as a result of being bullied most of her life. She ended up dating a guy with spina bifida who made Jamie realize that love was possible, but she thought it would be with someone with disabilities because they were the only ones who understood that majority of the world was against them. However, Jamie had been raised to be independent and the young man with spina bifida relied and blamed everyone else for his problems, so Jamie, for the sake of her sanity, ended it because she was constantly nagging him and trying to change him, which wasn’t good; she didn’t like the person she was becoming.
Once again, Jamie thought she’d die alone. One day, she decided to muster up courage and see what would happen if she put herself out on the dating sites; and when someone would message “hey beautiful,” she would reply, “are you blind, being sarcastic, or just crazy? I am not beautiful.”
During one of these encounters, a young man from Simmesport, Louisiana; an hour from where Jamie lived, contacted her. They talked via message on the dating site for a while and then he asked her if they could meet. They met face to face, at La Hacienda and it was a good date, however, Jamie was still hesitant and shy; she would check her rearview after the date to make sure he wasn’t following her.
On their “second date,” they went to a production at Opelousas Little Theater; Rocky Horror Picture Show. Neither Jamie nor David had seen the movie and didn’t know what to expect from the show…let’s just say it was Interesting, funny, and a little disturbingly awkward (at least for Jamie, not sure what David thought.)
He took her to meet his family and they instantly fell in love with her; especially his 7 year old Niece, Serenity, which Jamie and David try to include in stuff ocassionally to get her out of the house.
They continued to hang out and soon a love started to blossom. The young man was named David. David made Jamie laugh and smile, and some of her “quick wit come-backs” had returned; something her mom commented that “Jamie had lost over her years.” He was a great cook and baker, like Jamie. He was motivated, and went to church with her (something TJ did not do) . He was most, if not all, the things Jamie had dreamed of when she dreamt of love, but once she realized she was different than other girls, she gave up that dream. She had always thought “if guys only want dream girls with hot bodies, then I am their nightmare.” David changed that point of view somewhat, although Jamie still questions why he is with her when he could have anyone.
Now the question of this journey will be whether David can break Jamie’s shell of low confidence and self-esteem, and make her see her “true beauty,” that he sees in her? Only time will tell or he may never break her out of it completely; a year later and she still questions why he is with her, why he loves her, and she is constantly worried that their future will be bleek and david will have regrets later on. What if she can’t give him children? What if she loses her SSI because they get married? what if his paycheck isn’t enough to support them until she can get her degree and make money herself? Worry, worry, worry, sometimes I wish I could turn my mind off! I love David but when that doubt gets into my head, I push him away because I worry I am not good enough for him. I need to stop and realize Love can conquer much, and doubt is death. Maybe One day I will. When I am not worrying and letting it get in the way of our relationship, the relationship is great fun for the most part. David loves to cook together in the kitchen. Sometimes, he will come up behind me and hug me or sometimes tickle me while I am doing something in the kitchen (cooking-wise or doing dishes or laundry- our washer/dryer is in part of the kitchen.) We play fight, I’ll play-punch him, and he will hold me and hug me, or sometimes pick me up and hang me upside down or over his head (I am terrified of heights) but I never “surrender.” I keep “fighting him.” Other times, we enjoy snuggling on the couch to watch movies together, and play “popcorn catch (which I suck at)” but it is a great excuse to start a popcorn fight (throwing popcorn at each other, which Beignet enjoys cause she gets to eat the popcorn when it hits the floor.) After a year we are still learning each other; our views (that sometimes differ which cause some arguments but we end up “agreeing to disagree” whether it be his patience level with his niece, Beignet sleeping in the bed, politics, religion, etc.), what things he enjoys/what things I enjoy, favorite foods, ideas for our future, etc. Our summer vacation in Hot springs was so much fun and I am glad my parents let me bring him along to our condo. It was a great bonding experience, especially when we went to the superhero and star wars museum! That was fun; dressing up in the Jedi robes and playing with the light sabers, hitting each other with them. HAHA! It is so funny how he was able to get me into star-wars, something TJ tried and failed to do. Guess David just had something a little more special, I don’t know.
One thing that really gets on my nerves though is that I look so young and he looks so much older (even though in truth it is only 6 year gap), people think he is either my dad, my older brother, or worse, a sexual predator; “Aww what a great dad,” “what a sweet older brother,” or “what is that old man doing with that young girl?” It is even worse when my mom is with us, people then think him and my mom are married and I am their daughter. I am tempted to wear a sign or make t-shirts for us that read “I am over 21, he is not my dad nor is he my older brother and he is most definitely not a sexual predator. Mind y’all own business and stay out of mine (maybe add a middle finger for effect Ha ha.)
All I know is I truly am happy with David ¾, (if not more) of the time with him. I can’t see my life without him.
We got engaged in December on Christmas Eve when he proposed to me at my parents house. 🙂 The wedding date is set for May 23, 2020 unless it has to be pushed back due to medical recovery from my surgery.