another sleepless night; chronic pain and tears.

A bad storm passed through Louisiana this week so it has been quite a bit of sleepless nights for me lately and then add in the dreaded once a month bullshit us females have to deal with, adding in stress, anxiety, hormones, emotional roller coaster, all that (sarcastic tone) “fun.” Tonight, I tossed and turned for 2 hours while my fiance’ just lays next to me snoring; sure, I could wake him up and make him suffer with me, but that is selfish plus he works to provide for us, so I guess he needs the sleep more than I do, but it sure would be nice to be able to talk these things out instead of blogging them.

I have a mattress that can elevate the head, it helps with migraines and sometimes my upper back (then I gotta deal with my lower back and hips hurting), but tonight my upper back is hurting and I am not even gonna use the head-elevation because lately it has been making my fiance’ back hurt in the morning; which sent me down the dreaded “rabbit hole” of the uncertainty of a future together: What if I become bed-ridden, what if he has to help me with everything more than he does now? That isn’t what he signed on for! It isn’t fair to him. I know he made a commitment to me and he constantly reminds me of it anytime I start crying and freaking out about how much pain I am in and the fears that sends into me about how uncertain my life and future are; I just don’t want him to have regrets or resentments. I love him, I really do, but when these fears kick in, I go into flight mode and tend to push him away, thinking I am saving him from being stuck in a sucky future with me and my damn disability. How can I expect him to accept it and what it does to me, if I cant even accept it completely myself?

If there was a pill created to make me “normal,” like everyone else in society, I would take it! Even though I also feel like having my disability has made me a well-rounded, wise, empathetic, compassionate, supportive, loyal, passionate person. Does it make me a bad person? Why is it I can be a support system and cheerleader for others with disabilities but yet I cant even accept myself completely? Does it make me a hypocrite? Maybe its just the pain talking; well the pain and the damn devil. I need to really work on myself and loving myself for me; whole-y and completely. Maybe after my surgery to fix my rods, maybe my pain will be better, and I can start being happy again. One can only hope.

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Medicaid Headache (March 2019)

So I have been waiting for orders for a CT scan to be approved for a little over a week, almost 2 weeks through Medicaid. I decided to call to find out what the hold up is.
Took 3 calls back and forth from Medicaid to my GP’s office, but I think I finally got it all straightened out.

1st Medicaid person: we need them to do prior authorization. (Total confusion, I hang up and then clear my head and call again to better explain my situation.)

2nd Medicaid person: shows only 1 CT scan and it shows it been approved. They need to call us with the prior authorization # that was sent back to them.

(Okay, simple enough. I call my Gp’s office): There was another one that needs to be done and the website shows that one is still pending.

Okay..so I call Medicaid a 3rd time: The 2nd order isn’t showing up on their side so I sit on hold while they call the GP’s office and try to get this all straightened out.

I Need these CT orders done so I can get my CT sent to Dr. Kelly and figure out a surgery plan to fix my broken rods and get the f off these pain meds.

Waiting and living on pain meds isn’t a life!!!! Why does Medicaid and health-related issues (billing, etc.) have to be such a freaking headache????

Already a Bridezilla..Planning a wedding 1.5 year away. (January 2019)

I am already turning into a bridezilla. I am stressing over trying to find a venue that doesn’t have a capacity limit of 300 or less people for a decent price, with a kitchen to use, that allows us to self cater and self- booze. 😦 it is really hard.

Then trying to figure out who to eliminate off the guest list when I feel so close to everyone who ever came in my life. My love runs deep, and it feels like cuts of betrayl towards them when i cant invite them to my wedding day. 😦

Then to top it off, I asked my fiance’ 3 days ago if he had an idea for a first dance song..”no”. so I set out on a quest; a quest to find the perfect first dance song. I spent 3 days and resulted in 2.5 pages of potential songs (Sure, a good portion of them were Disney songs; I am a kid at heart, quit judging!).

 Today, I started to play them and 10 seconds into them “no, no,no.” to several of them, and then says he wants “that Bryan Adams Song ‘Everything I do,'” Seriously?! I asked him 3 days ago, I spent 3 days searching! and I loved alot of these songs.

I hate feeling stressed and about to blow up, so I am walking away for now. I will retackle it later after some goodnight sleep.