There’s been a mutual decision between David Piazza and I after all of us discussing things over with Mom, to push the wedding back another year. So it’ll be may 2021.. we haven’t gotten much done as far as planning and in Catholics churches, need to let church priests know 6 months ahead of event.. That’d be next month, plus we’ll be moving into my parents’ house the beginning of 2020. Plus this way, I’ll be over a year post-op and better able to plan and enjoy it. Sorry for any disappointments but tis life ❤️❤️❤️🤷 we feel this will be better in long run.
A bad storm passed through Louisiana this week so it has been quite a bit of sleepless nights for me lately and then add in the dreaded once a month bullshit us females have to deal with, adding in stress, anxiety, hormones, emotional roller coaster, all that (sarcastic tone) “fun.” Tonight, I tossed and turned for 2 hours while my fiance’ just lays next to me snoring; sure, I could wake him up and make him suffer with me, but that is selfish plus he works to provide for us, so I guess he needs the sleep more than I do, but it sure would be nice to be able to talk these things out instead of blogging them.
I have a mattress that can elevate the head, it helps with migraines and sometimes my upper back (then I gotta deal with my lower back and hips hurting), but tonight my upper back is hurting and I am not even gonna use the head-elevation because lately it has been making my fiance’ back hurt in the morning; which sent me down the dreaded “rabbit hole” of the uncertainty of a future together: What if I become bed-ridden, what if he has to help me with everything more than he does now? That isn’t what he signed on for! It isn’t fair to him. I know he made a commitment to me and he constantly reminds me of it anytime I start crying and freaking out about how much pain I am in and the fears that sends into me about how uncertain my life and future are; I just don’t want him to have regrets or resentments. I love him, I really do, but when these fears kick in, I go into flight mode and tend to push him away, thinking I am saving him from being stuck in a sucky future with me and my damn disability. How can I expect him to accept it and what it does to me, if I cant even accept it completely myself?
If there was a pill created to make me “normal,” like everyone else in society, I would take it! Even though I also feel like having my disability has made me a well-rounded, wise, empathetic, compassionate, supportive, loyal, passionate person. Does it make me a bad person? Why is it I can be a support system and cheerleader for others with disabilities but yet I cant even accept myself completely? Does it make me a hypocrite? Maybe its just the pain talking; well the pain and the damn devil. I need to really work on myself and loving myself for me; whole-y and completely. Maybe after my surgery to fix my rods, maybe my pain will be better, and I can start being happy again. One can only hope.
I can’t be the only person that tends to dwell on the past, can I? okay, maybe not the only disabled person, but maybe I am? I don’t know. I just know, I tend to stay in the past and try to recapture those memories and try to implement them now in the current present; however, it doesn’t always work out.
Childhood was so much simpler; No responsibilities, friendships were easier to make and maintain, I wasn’t in as much pain, my anxiety/OCD/depression wasn’t bad until middle school/High School, I didn’t try to fit in as much, I had a pretty good idea of who Jamie Elizabeth Cormier really was, and of course People I cared about weren’t dying left and right. I had a wonderful childhood and lots of wonderful memories despite having my disabilities; sure, there was the occasional person that mistook me for a “monster” or would just stare/point (the bullying really didn’t start until 4th grade). However, like all children, I took it for granted and couldn’t “wait to grow up so that I could do what I wanted.” Boy, who sold me that fairy tale and can I sue them?
Sure, as an adult, I can do some things I want like staying up all night, going out when I want(as long as I am not in college, not working, don’t have previous plans, have the money to do it, and of course, not hurting.) I can drive (again, as long as I am not hurting and I do have the gas money.) I can drink legally(not a big drinker), buy cigarettes (but I don’t smoke), buy a lotto ticket/scratch-off ticket or go to the casino (if I can afford such luxuries at the time.) But, in the same token as an adult, I also have bills (my choice for moving out with my fiance’), I have to make some tough decisions, I have college courses (my choice) or have to work. I have to handle my own medical stuff (paperwork, phone calls, etc). its a lot of responsibilities that causes my anxiety to go into overload and I end up having emotional meltdowns at least once a week.
However, there is always a silver lining: if I stayed in the past, I wouldn’t have learned important life lessons (through mistakes, my experiences with bullying, fights with friends, failing classes,etc.) I wouldn’t have my friends that I made as I got older (junior high, High School, College, my medical “journey” (st Louis, Missouri.) I wouldn’t have my fiance’ and wouldn’t be planning for a wedding. I wouldn’t have my associates degree in general studies and pursuing my bachelors and then further on to try to better advocate for myself and others with disabilities and special needs- teaching young adults with them to better live independently to the best of their abilities through life skills, modifications, adaptations, job skills, and helping them find jobs they are passionate about instead of just the jobs like Goodwill or Arc. That is my dream and with the right amount of willpower and determination, support from family/friends/and community, any dream can become a reality.
For as long as I can remember, shopping always was stressful and a meltdown for me. As a girl, I loved the idea of new clothes and shoes, but a lot of times, the stuff I like a lot, don’t fit the way I like or at all, and I end up having to compromise on an item I wasn’t as crazy about but fit better.
As a female, especially around the teen years, you would probably be shocked to know that I did not enjoy shopping. Oh, don’t get me wrong, I loved getting new clothes, but when you are a preteen/teenager, who is the only one her age still shopping in children’s department, it gets to be a little flustering.
It wasn’t just the fact that I wasn’t in the “correct” size clothing/ department for my age, it was also the trying on process. I’d grab tons of styles I thought were “cool” and “normal teen girl” fashions that were in children’s size department, but half of the time, maybe only 1 thing I had brought into the fitting room, actually fit and looked good on me, due to my posture and body due to the curve of my Scoliosis/Kyphosis at the time.
If something I really liked/picked out, didn’t fit, my whole world would shatter. I’d lose the joy of shopping for new clothes and have a tantrum in the store; having a “pity-party” and just give up looking, saying I wanted to go home. Thank God, Mom never gave into that, or I’d have gotten nothing. She would pull me aside, and we’d settle on whatever did fit, even if I wasn’t as crazy about that choice, as I was for the thing that I picked out, but didn’t fit. I wasn’t 100% happy about the choices during that time, but it was about 70%, so it was a compromise.
Another thing that was a pain to shop for was shoes! Due to my Ehler’s Danlos Syndrome, I have weak ankles, so I could never wear heels for dress shoes, only flats; but also, I had to have “high Top” sneakers for ankle support. Do you know how hard it is to find “high top” sneakers nowadays? If we got them the same day we went looking for them, we were lucky, after having to search several shoe stores of course. I remember one time, we searched all over Lafayette and Opelousas for high top sneakers and ended up having to wait because we couldn’t find any, thankfully my old ones weren’t so tight that I couldn’t wear them anymore. Shoe shopping was another meltdown. For formal/special occasions, I loved to dress up, and I’d see these lovely heels, but, no, I couldn’t get them because of my weak ankles; I didn’t cry about that, because I knew “can’t wear them,” but I would say “Man, I wish I didn’t have weak ankles, Those heels are so pretty. I’d look so hot in them!” I always had to go with flats, usually, I got ballet slippers, which were easy to slip on and off, so I didn’t mind. The real struggle was for sneakers, because at the time Converse shoes were getting really popular and I wanted what everyone else got, or some really girly shoes; considering the only place we’d usually find high-tops were in boys/men/ or athletic shoes; Half the time, I was wearing boy shoes, and I got teased “Jamie’s wearing boy shoes, Jamie’s wearing boy shoes. She wants to be a boy.” When I couldn’t find shoes that I liked, that were also high tops, I’d have a meltdown like I would when clothes shopping; pitching a fit in the store, and giving up.
Eventually, I gave up trying to fit in, gave up trying to avoid the teasing, because it was something I couldn’t change. It wasn’t like anyone from school would see me in the clothes anyway since uniforms were mandatory. It was just the shoes they’d see, and I couldn’t help that I had to have ankle support, so anytime someone would start to tease me, I’d stop them and say “You know what? Yes, I am in boy’s shoes, but I have weak ankles and need the support for my feet. It’s something I cannot help, but you know what? I got a great personality and don’t deserve this teasing. I have people who love me, and I am going to start loving who I am and things that make me different. Yes, I will have bad days and feel bad about myself and my differences, but I will get over them; whereas you will always be an insecure jerk-off who teases others because you have nothing better to do with your sad pathetic life, so I suggest that you shut up and get a life,” and I’d walk away, or once I got in Jr high school and my “dynamite temper fuse” blew up, I’d start fighting, hitting, and kicking; but I always stood up for myself and never backed down. You know what they say, Dynamite comes in tiny packages, and I am a prime example of that phrase when it comes to people teasing me, teasing or discrimination against special needs individuals, or anyone giving my friends/family problems; I am there, ready to fight, take names, and kick butt. Dynamite Jamie! HAHA!
However, After my 2012 surgery, shopping had gotten a lot easier to find nice clothes that also fit great; but like all good things, it came to an end over the years, and now I have the answer of why: My spinal fusion rods are broken, and my Kyphosis started to get worse again- so that poor posture in my body was back, especially my hips/waist area making my belly protrude out like I am fat or something, when in fact, I am at the perfect weight for my size. Then almost all dresses are fitted nowadays in the waist area; So annoying!
Any other #disabled especially those with #physicalDisabilities have troubles with clothes shopping? Especially #girls #women? I have a wedding tomorrow and had to go to several goodwill shops before I found something not #fitted and #tight and actually looked good on me. Times likes these make me wanna make #clothesLines for people with #physicalDisabilities. But I’m not good at drawing. I have the ideas in my head, but when I try to put to paper, never looks right. Ugghhh.
Once upon a time, there was a young woman named Jamie. Jamie thought she would die alone because she wasn’t normal; she had many medical disabilities and low self-esteem as a result of being bullied most of her life. She ended up dating a guy with spina bifida who made Jamie realize that love was possible, but she thought it would be with someone with disabilities because they were the only ones who understood that majority of the world was against them. However, Jamie had been raised to be independent and the young man with spina bifida relied and blamed everyone else for his problems, so Jamie, for the sake of her sanity, ended it because she was constantly nagging him and trying to change him, which wasn’t good; she didn’t like the person she was becoming.
Once again, Jamie thought she’d die alone. One day, she decided to muster up courage and see what would happen if she put herself out on the dating sites; and when someone would message “hey beautiful,” she would reply, “are you blind, being sarcastic, or just crazy? I am not beautiful.”
During one of these encounters, a young man from Simmesport, Louisiana; an hour from where Jamie lived, contacted her. They talked via message on the dating site for a while and then he asked her if they could meet. They met face to face, at La Hacienda and it was a good date, however, Jamie was still hesitant and shy; she would check her rearview after the date to make sure he wasn’t following her.
On their “second date,” they went to a production at Opelousas Little Theater; Rocky Horror Picture Show. Neither Jamie nor David had seen the movie and didn’t know what to expect from the show…let’s just say it was Interesting, funny, and a little disturbingly awkward (at least for Jamie, not sure what David thought.)
He took her to meet his family and they instantly fell in love with her; especially his 7 year old Niece, Serenity, which Jamie and David try to include in stuff ocassionally to get her out of the house.
They continued to hang out and soon a love started to blossom. The young man was named David. David made Jamie laugh and smile, and some of her “quick wit come-backs” had returned; something her mom commented that “Jamie had lost over her years.” He was a great cook and baker, like Jamie. He was motivated, and went to church with her (something TJ did not do) . He was most, if not all, the things Jamie had dreamed of when she dreamt of love, but once she realized she was different than other girls, she gave up that dream. She had always thought “if guys only want dream girls with hot bodies, then I am their nightmare.” David changed that point of view somewhat, although Jamie still questions why he is with her when he could have anyone.
Now the question of this journey will be whether David can break Jamie’s shell of low confidence and self-esteem, and make her see her “true beauty,” that he sees in her? Only time will tell or he may never break her out of it completely; a year later and she still questions why he is with her, why he loves her, and she is constantly worried that their future will be bleek and david will have regrets later on. What if she can’t give him children? What if she loses her SSI because they get married? what if his paycheck isn’t enough to support them until she can get her degree and make money herself? Worry, worry, worry, sometimes I wish I could turn my mind off! I love David but when that doubt gets into my head, I push him away because I worry I am not good enough for him. I need to stop and realize Love can conquer much, and doubt is death. Maybe One day I will. When I am not worrying and letting it get in the way of our relationship, the relationship is great fun for the most part. David loves to cook together in the kitchen. Sometimes, he will come up behind me and hug me or sometimes tickle me while I am doing something in the kitchen (cooking-wise or doing dishes or laundry- our washer/dryer is in part of the kitchen.) We play fight, I’ll play-punch him, and he will hold me and hug me, or sometimes pick me up and hang me upside down or over his head (I am terrified of heights) but I never “surrender.” I keep “fighting him.” Other times, we enjoy snuggling on the couch to watch movies together, and play “popcorn catch (which I suck at)” but it is a great excuse to start a popcorn fight (throwing popcorn at each other, which Beignet enjoys cause she gets to eat the popcorn when it hits the floor.) After a year we are still learning each other; our views (that sometimes differ which cause some arguments but we end up “agreeing to disagree” whether it be his patience level with his niece, Beignet sleeping in the bed, politics, religion, etc.), what things he enjoys/what things I enjoy, favorite foods, ideas for our future, etc. Our summer vacation in Hot springs was so much fun and I am glad my parents let me bring him along to our condo. It was a great bonding experience, especially when we went to the superhero and star wars museum! That was fun; dressing up in the Jedi robes and playing with the light sabers, hitting each other with them. HAHA! It is so funny how he was able to get me into star-wars, something TJ tried and failed to do. Guess David just had something a little more special, I don’t know.
One thing that really gets on my nerves though is that I look so young and he looks so much older (even though in truth it is only 6 year gap), people think he is either my dad, my older brother, or worse, a sexual predator; “Aww what a great dad,” “what a sweet older brother,” or “what is that old man doing with that young girl?” It is even worse when my mom is with us, people then think him and my mom are married and I am their daughter. I am tempted to wear a sign or make t-shirts for us that read “I am over 21, he is not my dad nor is he my older brother and he is most definitely not a sexual predator. Mind y’all own business and stay out of mine (maybe add a middle finger for effect Ha ha.)
All I know is I truly am happy with David ¾, (if not more) of the time with him. I can’t see my life without him.
We got engaged in December on Christmas Eve when he proposed to me at my parents house. 🙂 The wedding date is set for May 23, 2020 unless it has to be pushed back due to medical recovery from my surgery.